You’ll give me a goat for a what?

This topic keeps coming up, no matter how I wish it will die a gruesome death, so I should probably put it in the primer.

Bartering.

Picture this. 

“Joe’s Plumbing, Joe the Plumber speaking.”

“Hi Joe, this is BigDaddy Hobbyist.  The wife wants a new faucet installed and I don’t have the time to do it myself.  Do you think you could take this on?”

“Sure.  I could have someone out Wednesday.  Is around four o’clock good for you?”

“That’s fine.  Say, it’s okay if I pay with a slightly used Dell notebook, right?  It’s worth at least $350.”

“…”

No?  You don’t think your plumber would go for that?  Okay, but surely your accountant would.  Or, say, you could mention this to your boss.  I bet he has something around the house he could offer you instead of your paycheck.  Yeah?  This works for you?

Right.  Thought not.

This is real simple.  We’re running a business here, not a garage sale.  A poster in the linked thread has a fine point about the debased currency, but my insurance company isn’t going to care about a spiel on the inherent worthlessness of fiat dollars as opposed to, say… a cow. 

Reasons Why Cash Is King:

– The insurance company and the landlord for my incall will take cash.  They will not take a slightly used Dell notebook. 

– If the cash is dirty, worn and spent some time in the asscrack of another woman, it is still a usable medium of exchange.  This is not true of the quality lingerie you offered as payment, which turns out to have belonged to your wife.

– If you promised to pay in photography services and the lady discovers too late that you don’t know which is the business end of the camera, she cannot demand you give the BBBJ back.

Barter Is Appropriate When:

– The lady posts a request for a specific item or service, which you happen to be able to offer.  Note that she is proposing the exchange.  It is her business, and she has now let you know that she will temporarily accept slightly used Dell notebooks in lieu of cash.  This does not mean you can offer her a set of used rims instead.

– You are a regular customer who has fallen on hard times.  It may be appropriate for you and a favorite ladyfriend to renegotiate the nature of your compensation for her time.  This is, of course, up to the lady in question.   

If you’re sitting on a lot of used/slightly used stuff and you’d like to parlay that into playtime, gents, Mamasan suggests eBay.  There’s lots more people there that want your stuff and will give you cash, and lots more ladies who will take cash than want your stuff.  See how that works?

Lead time, and how not to work it

Apropros of two threads on Eccie, I’ve decided it’s time for you boys and I to have a little chat (if by “chat” you mean, “Mamasan will talk and you will listen” which, naturally, I do).  Let me tell you two stories of fictional hobbyists, whom I will call BigJohn and Daddy.  Repeat: fictional.  Names selected for my own private amusement.

BigJohn is at work, doing work-type things.  For whatever reason – a meeting rescheduled, a call that doesn’t go through, a boss in the momentary throes of generosity – BigJohn suddenly finds that he is getting off work early or otherwise having unexpected free time in the middl of his day.  Perfect!  thinks BigJohn.  A great opportunity for hobbying.  So BigJohn logs onto the boards and skims through the most recent ads.  One picture looks especially hot, so he skims further to find her phone number and calls it up.   

“Hello.”  Nice whiskey voice, he could get a little wood on the sound alone.  This is looking better by the moment.

“Hi, my name is BigJohn.  I found your number on Eccie.  What are you doing right now?”

An ominous pause.  The lady with the hot picture and nice voice is, regrettably, unavailable.  So BigJohn, undaunted, tries another.  And another.  And another.  Finally, an hour later and surrounded by the ruins of what could have been a great afternoon, he posts a thread asking how to make it easier to see providers.  I mean, BigJohn has references so this shouldn’t be so difficult, yes?   

Now lets move on to Daddy.  Daddy’s had his eye on a particular lady for two or three weeks now.  He’s read all the reviews, gone over her ads, asked around in the backchannels.  So far, he likes what he hears and he’s looking forward to what promises to be a great session.  Daddy’s doing some business downtown and, when it concludes, figures that he can probably sneak in an appointment with no one at work being the wiser.  It’s perfect, actually, as the reviews say her incall is just a mile away.   Daddy calls up the new prospect but, dammit all, she’s not available. 

Not to worry, there will be other days.  C’est la vie.

The next week Daddy is on his way to his weekly boys poker night, and realizes that this is the perfect cover.  Mrs Daddy doesn’t expect him back for hours, so why not give the lady a call?  He does that very thing, only now she’s booked for the night.  Curses, foiled again! 

It’s obvious to most of us where BigJohn and Daddy are going wrong.  To any BigJohns or Daddys reading here, welcome to the Primer, where Mamasan tells you the obvious. 

Our heroes, Big John and Daddy, made several glaring errors.  Most of them can be boiled down to Piss-Poor Planning, also known as “A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

Don’t call a lady and ask, “What are you doing right now?”  Mamasan has yet to figure out how to reach through the phone and smack a fellow upside the head (aren’t you fortunate), but if she does then it’ll probably be because this question drives her wild.  Right now?  Right now, she is probably up to her elbows in a sink full of soapy water and dirty dishes.  Right now, she is at the grocery store after running errands for three hours, is feeling quite frazzled already and has no makeup on.  Right now she is on the other line with her mother.  Right now she is getting ready for a hot date with a civilian, and is positively wallowing in the anticipation of a night where she can say anything she damned well pleases, and maybe even get some civilian sex. 

In short, right now she is having a goddamned life.  What she is almost certainly not doing right now is lounging around her incall, attired in something filmy and pink and barely-there, freshly showered, pefectly coiffed and with impeccable makeup, playing with a vibrator while sending hungry glances at her phone.  Just waiting for you to call.  Yes, it is entirely within the realm of possibility that this is precisely what she’s doing right now.  Possible – but not very f’ing likely.

But Mamasan, gents get last-minute appointments, we’ve heard about it in reviews.  Yes, and sometimes gents find 19 year old blondes with $100 hour and good service on BP.  Ask yourself if you’re looking for consistent hobbying or the luck of the draw.  If you want the latter, avast and good luck.  If the former, there are steps you need to take.  Otherwise, you’ll only keep running against that brick wall of Ladies Have Lives and start whiny, grumbling threads about how no one can accomodate you the moment you feel the urge.

And it all points straight to Good Planning.

Don’t waste time digging through ads – know who you want to see in advance.  Do your research in your off-time, when you have the leisure to ask around and read reviews.  Make up a short list of gals who sound like fun and have good word-of-mouth.     

Get pre-screened.  Send an email inquiry (see the Primer) to the gals on your short list and explain that you’d like to be screened in advance, just in case of last-minute appointments.  Now is the time to ask if they even offer last-minute plans.

Call ahead.  “Hi, SuzySexypants, I’ll be in the area later today and just in case some time opens up for me, how does your schedule look?  I can’t commit to an appointment just now, and my apologies for that, but if you’re still free later, would you mind if I gave you a call?  Say, around two o’clock?  Great!  I’ll let you know.”  Warning: some ladies will still be annoyed by this.  The rest of them, the ones with good business skills, will appreciate the heads-up and make sure to be ready to accomodate your possible free time.  Warning the Second: you had damned well better call one way or the other.  If she’s ready, just in case, at two o’clock and never hears from you, then she is going to be pissed off  and I don’t blame her a bit.  Cry wolf too often, O Timewasters, and see how many short-notice appointments you get.

Pre-book.  Learn to love pre-booking, for it is the surest way of getting an appointment.  Forgot that your weekly poker night would be a great cover story?  Pre-book for next week’s poker night, silly man.  Et voila!  Problem fucking solved.

Finally, develop a good relationship with at least one quality lady.  The kind of relationship where, if she isn’t available, she will tell you who IS available.  We know everything, guys.  We know who is traveling to our market.  We know which girl hasn’t paid her rent yet.  We know who is a night owl, who has no problem driving to the boonies, who doesn’t have to get a babysitter today.  We know who just got a boob job and who she is referring her clients to while she recovers.  We know who is new and fabulous (and sober) who needs a good review or two to really kick off her business, or who is the knock-out UTR schoolteacher-by-day who has a divorce to pay for.  You want good intel?  Gentlemen, for that you need to know a provider. 

If all this sounds like effort, that’s because it is.  It’ll also get you laid more often than dialing random numbers out of the blue in the hopes some woman doesn’t have a life.

What to do when you have no references

I don’t think a week has gone by yet without those pleading posts from new hobbyists.

“Help!  I’m new and the girls just won’t see me.  I send polite emails, I’m a good guy, I’m not asking anything crazy.  What do I do?”

Apparently, “learn to read” would be at the top of the To-Do list, because dollars to donuts there was a damned near identical thread just five threads down from yours wherein you could have found all the answers.  Unless you’re so clueless that everyone’s laughing at you, you’ll get the same answers the last guy did, and the guy before him, and the guy before him, etc etc ad nauseum.  In the intersts of saving everyone some time, I’ll just put all those answers right here, shall I?

Stop cruising BP/CL.  That’s a world best left to the hobbyists for whom the thrill of the hunt is half (or more) of the fun.  Yes, it’s cheap.  There’s no such thing as a free lunch, though, and you’ll spend a great deal more finding that diamond in the rough than you would have by scheduling with a reliable, reviewed independent.  Leave BP/CL for the specialists, O Clueless One.

Most of those “help me” posts come from guys who sifted through ads and showcases to find three or four likely gals in whom they had an interest, and only posted for help when the ladies wouldn’t answer or see them.  (And cue whining that no one answered their requests.)  WRONG!  Clearly, you are thinking that all of the ladies you see advertised are available to you.  Clearly, this is not so.  You see all of those notices near the contact information about sending references in your inquiry?  Oh.  You just skimmed all that nonsense to get to the good stuff about how to contact them for some fun.  Well, we’ll back up and start at the beginning.

Read the damned ad.  Then read her signature at the bottom of the ad.  She didn’t type all that out for jollies, you know.  If she said to send references in your initial email, she meant it.  If she does not explicitly state she is “newbie friendly”, she probably isn’t.  If she explicitly states that she is NOT “newbie friendly”, rest assured that she not only damned well meant it and isn’t going to make an exception for you, but you’re going to piss her off and all her friends will have a good laugh at your expense once she passes your email around (and she will).

Do a search in the provider ad section for your local area of “newbie-friendly”.  Those are the ladies from which you get to choose.  Save the bitching about how your money is just as good as anyone else’s, because it isn’t.  You’re new.  You have no references.  The lady who sees you first, or second, will be taking a great risk in doing so, and frankly, most ladies don’t consider the return on investment to be worth it.

Now that you have found newbie-friendly providers, sort through to find two or three you would like to see.  Send each of them an email inquiry to see about an appointment.  Mention that you are new and without references.  They will let you know what information you will need to send them in order to make an appointment.

Again, no bitching.  If you think a lady will see you with no references, no info, no means by which to assure herself that you are not a total psycho, you are a delusional moron.  Get it into your head right from the start that you will have to verify yourself somehow, or just go to the tittie bar and pray for a miracle because the hobby is not for you.

Now, you’ve found a newbie-friendly provider and have gotten through her screening process.  Great!  You’re not done yet though.  “Reference” does not mean merely that some lady was willing to see you.  Oho, nosir.  Mamasan remembers fondly the story (perhaps metaphorical, but still a damned funny story) about the newbie who got screened, showed up late for the appointment and shorted the envelope by twenty bucks, and was later stunned to discover that the lady wouldn’t give him a reference.  Further, the other newbie-friendly providers didn’t want to see him now either.

Referencing you is optional.  We don’t have to do it.  When we do give a reference, other ladies will only accept you on as a client when it is a GOOD reference; meaning you behaved well.  Also, we talk to each other a lot and have this thing called “alerts”.  Misbehave badly enough and your supply of fun will be cut off.  You don’t even really have to misbehave that badly – ladies are known to refuse you just because you annoyed someone else and they found out about it.  Remember, you’re already on thin ice by being new.  Don’t make it any harder on yourself by also being an idiot. 

To recap:

Read the ads.  Search “newbie-friendly”.  Send a decent email inquiry.  Comply with screening requirements for newbies.  Behave well at the appointment.  Rinse and repeat until you have enough reputable references to see the ladies of your choice.

A few final pointers:

Some provider references are worth more than others.  Invest time into researching the most reputable of the newbie-friendly ladies.  The dividends will pay off when you find that other ladies will sometimes accept one highest-quality reference on its own.

Conversely, some references aren’t worth dick.  It pays to know who the ditzy flakes are.  A drunk, low-dollar B&G with a reputation for poor service and NCNS is probably considered unreliable by the providers as well.

Don’t try to circumvent the referencing system.  You’ll be butting your head against a brick wall,and while you won’t be the first to try to convince himself that we can’t really take it THAT seriously, trust Mamasan that we do indeed.  There are no shortcuts.  This is how it’s done.

The email inquiry

Really, this is a very easy thing to do.  Yet there are so many complaints from ladies about hobbyists who just don’t fracking get it that I thought it ought to be first in the Hobbyist Primer.

Put in your name.  First name is often fine.

Add your board handle.  If you don’t have a handle, say so.   

Include your references.  Let me state for the record that there is nothing so important in the first email as making sure to provide references.  If you can’t be bothered to include your references, there are any number of ladies who feel perfectly justified in deleting your email and not giving you another thought.  References.  References.  I say again, references.  The ladies’ names/handles and  contact info are the bare minimum. 

Some ladies have additional requirements.  I assure you, if she is any sort of quality, these additional requirements will be easy to find.  Right in front of your face, even.  Try her ad, website or board signature.

Helpful Tips

When it comes to information, the more, the merrier.  Tell her what you like in particular when you see a new lady.  Give an idea of when and on what day you would like to see her, and give a range if possible just to help coordinate schedules all the faster.  Let her know if there are any restrictions on contacting you; if texts are a bad idea, if calls should only come during business hours.  Tell her if this is to be outcall or incall.  Let her know what sort of time you’d like to spend with her.

The same applies for your references.  It is tremendously helpful to include any information you can about your reference.  Approximately when you saw her last, how often you’ve seen her, does she know you by your first name or your board handle or by some other nickname entirely, any funny jokes you shared with your reference (if it’s been a while, this will help jog the lady’s memory).

If you really like, let her know what attracted you to her.  Did you like her posts and decided to look her up based on that?  Was her most recent ad eye-catching in some way?  A new picture that was just so stellar you had to find out if the steak was as good as the sizzle?  Did a hobby friend recommend her?  These things are not necessary, of course, but they’ll earn you cookie points with any number of providers.  We love this sort of feedback, and it helps our marketing.

Mamasan’s Pet Peeves

Don’t tell us how handsome you are.  We’re very happy for you but it just isn’t relevent.

Do not email ladies who state they are not newbie-friendly “just in case”.  She does not make exceptions.  No, not even for handsome guys.  Nor for guys who devoutly swear they are really, really nice and will meet her for a drink so she can see for herself how really, really nice they are.

Don’t ever describe yourself as a “good Christian family man”.  Seriously?  Bitch, please.

Don’t ask questions about rates or menu.  Don’t ever correlate the two.  Most quality ladies will not answer them.  Have a care, gents.

Don’t ever try to negotiate.  Ever.  This is not eBay.  I will DNS for this alone.