Mamasan is speechless

March 23, 2010


Um… welll… I – er… wow.  I don’t even know how that would work.  I’m just a collection of random thoughts at the moment.

Can they even get undressed in ten minutes?

I’m always hearing this “filet mignon vs hamburger” analogy – so this must be, what, eating microwave pizza straight from the freezer?

Did they ask for MSOG?  (LOL.)

Don’t they have wives for that?  No, seriously, isn’t the whole point to hobbying that your wife/girlfriend won’t give you more than an occasional pokey (“Hurry up, I have to meet Josie for lunch”) so the real knock-out, sweaty, wild sessions with the biggest menu possible is where the real fun happens?

Did they mention gift cards to Target? 

Gawd, I don’t know whether to laugh or sit here with my WTF face on.  Off to go search for ten-minute reviews.  This ought to be good.


I don’t think a week has gone by yet without those pleading posts from new hobbyists.

“Help!  I’m new and the girls just won’t see me.  I send polite emails, I’m a good guy, I’m not asking anything crazy.  What do I do?”

Apparently, “learn to read” would be at the top of the To-Do list, because dollars to donuts there was a damned near identical thread just five threads down from yours wherein you could have found all the answers.  Unless you’re so clueless that everyone’s laughing at you, you’ll get the same answers the last guy did, and the guy before him, and the guy before him, etc etc ad nauseum.  In the intersts of saving everyone some time, I’ll just put all those answers right here, shall I?

Stop cruising BP/CL.  That’s a world best left to the hobbyists for whom the thrill of the hunt is half (or more) of the fun.  Yes, it’s cheap.  There’s no such thing as a free lunch, though, and you’ll spend a great deal more finding that diamond in the rough than you would have by scheduling with a reliable, reviewed independent.  Leave BP/CL for the specialists, O Clueless One.

Most of those “help me” posts come from guys who sifted through ads and showcases to find three or four likely gals in whom they had an interest, and only posted for help when the ladies wouldn’t answer or see them.  (And cue whining that no one answered their requests.)  WRONG!  Clearly, you are thinking that all of the ladies you see advertised are available to you.  Clearly, this is not so.  You see all of those notices near the contact information about sending references in your inquiry?  Oh.  You just skimmed all that nonsense to get to the good stuff about how to contact them for some fun.  Well, we’ll back up and start at the beginning.

Read the damned ad.  Then read her signature at the bottom of the ad.  She didn’t type all that out for jollies, you know.  If she said to send references in your initial email, she meant it.  If she does not explicitly state she is “newbie friendly”, she probably isn’t.  If she explicitly states that she is NOT “newbie friendly”, rest assured that she not only damned well meant it and isn’t going to make an exception for you, but you’re going to piss her off and all her friends will have a good laugh at your expense once she passes your email around (and she will).

Do a search in the provider ad section for your local area of “newbie-friendly”.  Those are the ladies from which you get to choose.  Save the bitching about how your money is just as good as anyone else’s, because it isn’t.  You’re new.  You have no references.  The lady who sees you first, or second, will be taking a great risk in doing so, and frankly, most ladies don’t consider the return on investment to be worth it.

Now that you have found newbie-friendly providers, sort through to find two or three you would like to see.  Send each of them an email inquiry to see about an appointment.  Mention that you are new and without references.  They will let you know what information you will need to send them in order to make an appointment.

Again, no bitching.  If you think a lady will see you with no references, no info, no means by which to assure herself that you are not a total psycho, you are a delusional moron.  Get it into your head right from the start that you will have to verify yourself somehow, or just go to the tittie bar and pray for a miracle because the hobby is not for you.

Now, you’ve found a newbie-friendly provider and have gotten through her screening process.  Great!  You’re not done yet though.  “Reference” does not mean merely that some lady was willing to see you.  Oho, nosir.  Mamasan remembers fondly the story (perhaps metaphorical, but still a damned funny story) about the newbie who got screened, showed up late for the appointment and shorted the envelope by twenty bucks, and was later stunned to discover that the lady wouldn’t give him a reference.  Further, the other newbie-friendly providers didn’t want to see him now either.

Referencing you is optional.  We don’t have to do it.  When we do give a reference, other ladies will only accept you on as a client when it is a GOOD reference; meaning you behaved well.  Also, we talk to each other a lot and have this thing called “alerts”.  Misbehave badly enough and your supply of fun will be cut off.  You don’t even really have to misbehave that badly – ladies are known to refuse you just because you annoyed someone else and they found out about it.  Remember, you’re already on thin ice by being new.  Don’t make it any harder on yourself by also being an idiot. 

To recap:

Read the ads.  Search “newbie-friendly”.  Send a decent email inquiry.  Comply with screening requirements for newbies.  Behave well at the appointment.  Rinse and repeat until you have enough reputable references to see the ladies of your choice.

A few final pointers:

Some provider references are worth more than others.  Invest time into researching the most reputable of the newbie-friendly ladies.  The dividends will pay off when you find that other ladies will sometimes accept one highest-quality reference on its own.

Conversely, some references aren’t worth dick.  It pays to know who the ditzy flakes are.  A drunk, low-dollar B&G with a reputation for poor service and NCNS is probably considered unreliable by the providers as well.

Don’t try to circumvent the referencing system.  You’ll be butting your head against a brick wall,and while you won’t be the first to try to convince himself that we can’t really take it THAT seriously, trust Mamasan that we do indeed.  There are no shortcuts.  This is how it’s done.