LOLwhut?!

March 27, 2010

HAY I HAZ GR8 IDEA!!!

What do you think this is, Costco?  Free samples.  I have now heard it all.

Side note: And what is this “dawg” shit?  Hobbying – it’s how pudgy middle-aged white men get to pretend they’re on MTV.

Jesus H. Christ.  Some people.

Advertisements

There’s been a dearth of snark-worthy material lately.  Oh, there’s the usual dozen threads asking if ladies prefer hairy faces/balls over clean-shaven (giving the lie to the notion that there’s no such thing as a stupid question), some half-heartened complaints on both sides about discounts/free sessions for good reviews and the gratuitious “I’m a stud, look at meeeee!” stuff we see all the time.  Same shit, different day.

And then I find the motherlode of wank.  Literally.

Very long story cut short:  A guy (I won’t give him the term “hobbyist” as he’s got three reviews, all for >100 strip club fun) goes to a strip club and pays $200 to give himself a handjob.  Woe.  Is.  Him. 

Stupid bitch this, cunt that, skank ass blah blah blah, bitch, fat bitch, loser, stank ass, bitch, bitch, cunt.  This is everyone’s fault but mine.  Why are the girls ignoring me?  I’m a good-looking guy.  Just doesn’t make sense.  Maybe my youthful hot bod intimidated them.

The logic, it burns!  It burns like hygiene!  Seriously?  They won’t talk to you because you’re a pissy little twat, and a cheap fuck to boot.  You win the Justifying My Existence award for the week, young feller!

So, with jizz staining his jeans, Our Handsome Hero exits the club and has a philosophical moment. 

After this debacle I am not going to SC’s for extras anymore. Just isn’t worth it. I’m tired of trying to get to someplace at a certain time for the “early bird special”. I’m tired of the weird ass looks from dancers and staff when I get there and the only other guys in the place are retirees. I’m tired of the rushed feeling for something that should be enjoyed. I’m tired of the lack of intimacy. I’m tired of overpaying. I’m tired of all of the drinking before and after. I’m tired off all of the associated costs. I’m tired of always looking in the rear view for cops so I don’t get busted. This shit just isn’t fun. I really think that if I really need a release, and there aren’t any options on the bootie call list, I’ll just try out a provider or go to AMPs. I think it will be cheaper in the long run and I could probably enjoy myself. I know I’ll probably drink less overall.

Yes!,  Yes, my son, you are now getting it!  Isn’t it a wonderful moment?  The problem isn’t the strip club and isn’t the dancers, it is YOU.  You were expecting too much, for too little in return, from women whose job isn’t to offer it.  In public, no less.  Instead you can go to a woman who does offer it, for the same price, with more intimacy and less hassle.  Well done, lad, well done. 

Now, if we can just do something about this whiny attitude problem and your fucking mouth, a provider might actually see you.

I predict that within the week we see another thread by him moaning about dancers who won’t give him BBFS in public, or moaning about BP girls who won’t answer his middle-of-the-night phone calls.  Voice your thoughts now on what he’ll title that thread. 

I’m getting such a kick out of Google.  The number one search for finding my blog is now “bbfs dallas”.  Wazzup, homies? 

Public Service Announcement

Ladies, my grandfather used to say to me that when someone tells you what sort of person they are, believe them.  This works as well for websites as for people.  Eccie has made their opinions clear.  Vote with your feet.  Starve the beast.  Nothing less will have an impact – you know this to be true, because you’ve been told so.

The sidepanel link to Eccie is gone.  You are all welcome to check out Ourhome2.  The traffic is terrible.  Stick it out anyhow.  Ask your clients to port their reviews of you over there.  Also, have a look at Brandy’s Bedroom.  She’s setting up a P411-style client written referencing system and a board for providers, by a provider.  Again, no traffic.  Mamasan never promised life would be easy.

Diversify your advertising.  Part of the problem is that Eccie believes it has in providers a captive audience, as it were.  That we have no choice but to remain on Eccie because we must advertise, and Eccie has the market cornered.  They are wrong.  To convince them of this, however, you will all have to learn to stop putting all of your advertisements in one basket.  Advertise on Eros, P411, Ourhome2, Brandy’s Bedroom, Date-Check… hell, advertise on CL and BP.  Put up a website.  If you need help with that, Mamasan recommends Veronica Moore (link on sidepanel) as being quite expert on all things tech.  Don’t ask Mamasan, I suck at technology.  Links to all the aforementioned sites on sidepanel.

Hop to it, gals. 

[/psa]

I have new linkage!  Found HookerAddict via Veronica’s blog.  This guy is hysterical.  Go read his latest blog post, “The Meet & The Greet” and tell me Mamasan is wrong.  I wasted most of a day reading his blog.  The comments are just as good.

Did a handsome, charming young guy buy you a drink at the bar? If so, I might have been standing next to that guy.

Y’know, on a certain level I suppose it is fun. Hell, I enjoy ‘em. But then again, I enjoy the zoo. Are they effective? I dunno about that. Effective how? My observation is that the guys tend to be time wasters, tire kicker, window shoppers. Not serious buyers. You should go.

I’m dying at the pictures, and I wish I knew how he did that.  Anyhow, HookerAddict is a hobbyist, who seems to not like the term, hobby boards or other hobbyists.  Or, well, perhaps it’s more accurate to say that he gets as much of a kick out of pointing and laughing at moronic behavior as I do.  Which means he has no dearth of material in the hobby.

Oh, and Han shot first.

Damned right he did.

Mamasan is speechless

March 23, 2010

Wow.

Um… welll… I – er… wow.  I don’t even know how that would work.  I’m just a collection of random thoughts at the moment.

Can they even get undressed in ten minutes?

I’m always hearing this “filet mignon vs hamburger” analogy – so this must be, what, eating microwave pizza straight from the freezer?

Did they ask for MSOG?  (LOL.)

Don’t they have wives for that?  No, seriously, isn’t the whole point to hobbying that your wife/girlfriend won’t give you more than an occasional pokey (“Hurry up, I have to meet Josie for lunch”) so the real knock-out, sweaty, wild sessions with the biggest menu possible is where the real fun happens?

Did they mention gift cards to Target? 

Gawd, I don’t know whether to laugh or sit here with my WTF face on.  Off to go search for ten-minute reviews.  This ought to be good.

I don’t think a week has gone by yet without those pleading posts from new hobbyists.

“Help!  I’m new and the girls just won’t see me.  I send polite emails, I’m a good guy, I’m not asking anything crazy.  What do I do?”

Apparently, “learn to read” would be at the top of the To-Do list, because dollars to donuts there was a damned near identical thread just five threads down from yours wherein you could have found all the answers.  Unless you’re so clueless that everyone’s laughing at you, you’ll get the same answers the last guy did, and the guy before him, and the guy before him, etc etc ad nauseum.  In the intersts of saving everyone some time, I’ll just put all those answers right here, shall I?

Stop cruising BP/CL.  That’s a world best left to the hobbyists for whom the thrill of the hunt is half (or more) of the fun.  Yes, it’s cheap.  There’s no such thing as a free lunch, though, and you’ll spend a great deal more finding that diamond in the rough than you would have by scheduling with a reliable, reviewed independent.  Leave BP/CL for the specialists, O Clueless One.

Most of those “help me” posts come from guys who sifted through ads and showcases to find three or four likely gals in whom they had an interest, and only posted for help when the ladies wouldn’t answer or see them.  (And cue whining that no one answered their requests.)  WRONG!  Clearly, you are thinking that all of the ladies you see advertised are available to you.  Clearly, this is not so.  You see all of those notices near the contact information about sending references in your inquiry?  Oh.  You just skimmed all that nonsense to get to the good stuff about how to contact them for some fun.  Well, we’ll back up and start at the beginning.

Read the damned ad.  Then read her signature at the bottom of the ad.  She didn’t type all that out for jollies, you know.  If she said to send references in your initial email, she meant it.  If she does not explicitly state she is “newbie friendly”, she probably isn’t.  If she explicitly states that she is NOT “newbie friendly”, rest assured that she not only damned well meant it and isn’t going to make an exception for you, but you’re going to piss her off and all her friends will have a good laugh at your expense once she passes your email around (and she will).

Do a search in the provider ad section for your local area of “newbie-friendly”.  Those are the ladies from which you get to choose.  Save the bitching about how your money is just as good as anyone else’s, because it isn’t.  You’re new.  You have no references.  The lady who sees you first, or second, will be taking a great risk in doing so, and frankly, most ladies don’t consider the return on investment to be worth it.

Now that you have found newbie-friendly providers, sort through to find two or three you would like to see.  Send each of them an email inquiry to see about an appointment.  Mention that you are new and without references.  They will let you know what information you will need to send them in order to make an appointment.

Again, no bitching.  If you think a lady will see you with no references, no info, no means by which to assure herself that you are not a total psycho, you are a delusional moron.  Get it into your head right from the start that you will have to verify yourself somehow, or just go to the tittie bar and pray for a miracle because the hobby is not for you.

Now, you’ve found a newbie-friendly provider and have gotten through her screening process.  Great!  You’re not done yet though.  “Reference” does not mean merely that some lady was willing to see you.  Oho, nosir.  Mamasan remembers fondly the story (perhaps metaphorical, but still a damned funny story) about the newbie who got screened, showed up late for the appointment and shorted the envelope by twenty bucks, and was later stunned to discover that the lady wouldn’t give him a reference.  Further, the other newbie-friendly providers didn’t want to see him now either.

Referencing you is optional.  We don’t have to do it.  When we do give a reference, other ladies will only accept you on as a client when it is a GOOD reference; meaning you behaved well.  Also, we talk to each other a lot and have this thing called “alerts”.  Misbehave badly enough and your supply of fun will be cut off.  You don’t even really have to misbehave that badly – ladies are known to refuse you just because you annoyed someone else and they found out about it.  Remember, you’re already on thin ice by being new.  Don’t make it any harder on yourself by also being an idiot. 

To recap:

Read the ads.  Search “newbie-friendly”.  Send a decent email inquiry.  Comply with screening requirements for newbies.  Behave well at the appointment.  Rinse and repeat until you have enough reputable references to see the ladies of your choice.

A few final pointers:

Some provider references are worth more than others.  Invest time into researching the most reputable of the newbie-friendly ladies.  The dividends will pay off when you find that other ladies will sometimes accept one highest-quality reference on its own.

Conversely, some references aren’t worth dick.  It pays to know who the ditzy flakes are.  A drunk, low-dollar B&G with a reputation for poor service and NCNS is probably considered unreliable by the providers as well.

Don’t try to circumvent the referencing system.  You’ll be butting your head against a brick wall,and while you won’t be the first to try to convince himself that we can’t really take it THAT seriously, trust Mamasan that we do indeed.  There are no shortcuts.  This is how it’s done.

Someone found my blog using “p411 bbfs” as search terms.  Hello!  Bet YOU were just a wee bit surprised.  Nasty git, now go Google “oozing sores” and cover it up.

Still no healthcare wanking.  And I was so looking forward to it.  Imagine the potential!  The angst.  The woe.  The public statements of DNSing hobbyists and providers alike, merely for their politics.  Hobby community, if we can keep this subject wank-free for the rest of the week then Mamasan will say, well played.  Well played indeed.

Now, on to today’s snarking.  I know you know which thread is coming up.  You saw it and thought right off, “Ooh, this’ll be on Mamasan’s blog by the end of the day.”  How right you were, my friends.

The Last Words of Big Pimpin

Let me just get this out of the way, real quick-like, and then we can get to the discussion.  His wife was so completely standing over his shoulder as he typed that.  Bet you half a dollar.  (It’s part of standard couples therapy in regards to adultery now, you know.)

Big Pimpin, you are such a pussy.  And that’s all I have to say on him (surprise!).

My snark here is a related subject which 1) you can find illustrated in the linked thread and 2) has been kind of, sort of, rather (really) bothering the hell out of me for some time now.  It’s on this notion that it’s all the wife’s fault if her husband hobbies.  Well, if she’d have kept him happy at home…  Well, if she hadn’t nagged him…  Well, if she hadn’t driven him to it…

I’ll be the one to say it:  That’s such a crock of shit.

In the interests of full disclosure, I can be seen on Sarah’s blog stating that I think one of her recent blog posts on a less-extreme version of “why men hobby” sounds fairly accurate, and on my own blog quoted as saying, “They’re not bad, they’re lonely” of some of my own customers.

Not here to claim that women cannot be blamed – oftentimes, a measure of culpability can be leveled at them quite legitimately.  She took little pains with her appearance.  She treated him with scorn, disrespect, or as a tiresome duty.  Worse, she treated him as an ATM.  She was too busy to give the level of attention he desires to his physical and emotional needs.   She became sexless, or nearly so.  

All of these are very real, and very compelling, arguments that the woman holds some share of blame when her man strays.  What it doesn’t do is excuse him utterly. 

We’ve all seen the “My wife this” and “My wife that” on the boards, and providers have even heard it in session.  I’m willing to bet there’s a large percentage of truth in every one of those complaints, too.  What I’ve always wondered to myself is, what would the wife say about her hobbyist husband if we asked?  Big Pimpin made a (possibly forced, but let’s not speculate too wildly or we’ll never get anywhere) confession to verbally abusing his wife.  I’d imagine making nasty remarks to your life-partner has something to do with why she’s not aroused by you.

Is anyone really deluding themselves that ALL hobbyists are just charming, perfect husbands plagued with she-devil wives who drove the poor dears mercilessly into the arms of another woman? 

Being an adult means owning your own shit and working to resolve it.  You aren’t getting enough nookie from the little woman.  Well, have you asked her for more?  Have you had a frank discussion with your wife about the desire for passion in your marriage, and then followed up on this by doing things you think might make her more passionate towards you?  Bring home flowers from work.  Buy her a sexy nightie.  Kiss the back of her neck for no reason while she’s cooking your dinner or folding your socks.  Take her out on a date, fer crissake’s, and get her piss-faced drunk on good wine and then take her home where there are NO CHILDREN because you’ve wisely packed them off to your mother’s for the night, and shag like college kids.

She says something nasty and disrespectful.  Have you looked into counseling?  Mention to her that this sort of talk is not appropriate and makes you feel as if she despises you.   

She doesn’t look as good as she once did.  Buddy, I’m pretty certain you don’t either.  Join a gym with her.  Read to her an article about the risk of heart attack and tell her seriously you think you both ought to be more careful about your diet.  Reinforce any positive changes – if she’s finally put on makeup, tell her how pretty she looks.

Make a bloody effort, gents.  What can YOU do to fix the state of your home life and, specifically, your bedroom shenanigans. 

And if you’ve taken her to counseling, told her how pretty she looks on the occasions she makes some effort to look good, helped her diet, bought her nice things and flowers and done the dishes for her and packed the kids off to her mother’s so you could have alone time, had many honest and open discussions on the state of your marriage and your respective needs, and she’s still a rotten bitch…  Give a provider a call, because you’ve done all you can and, dammit, everyone needs to feel special and have the occasional sweaty orgasm.  You, sir, should hobby guilt-free with a piece of work like that at home to deal with.    

No one among you needs justify yourself to Mamasan.  I already assume most of my clientele (but then, I’m choosy) and the gents I like to converse with online have done what an adult needs to do.  

It annoys the piss out of me when I hear providers go on about, “Well, if she’d take better care of her man…”   Blah, blah, blah.  Shaddup.  Better yet, grow up.  You’re a woman, for the love of all that’s holy, you know exactly what it’s like to deal with men.  Some guys are sex addicts.  Some guys are assholes.  Come talk to Mamasan when you’re my age and tell me it’s all a woman’s fault.  When hobbyists go on about how their wife is a total shit and providers have attitude problems and whine, whine, no one understaaaaands me – I’m more inclined to think the problem is him, not whatever woman he’s blaming his life choices on today. 

A large portion of the hobby is that people make shitty decisions in life.  They’re bad husbands, or merely husbands who don’t communicate well.  Goofy women who haven’t fit themselves out for proper work or are incapable of living a responsible life, and turned to escorting because they left themselves little option.  The rest of us are just a bit tired of your self-justifying drivel.  Own your shit and move on – don’t wallow in all this “nothing is ever my fault” nonsense.

Bringing the crazy

March 21, 2010

So there I was.  Poked the internet in a lazy sort of manner a time or two, but it looked like no one was planning to go insane this weekend.  Hurrah for two rational days in a row!

I spoke too soon.  I bring you not one, not two, but THREE cases of complete WTFery.  Two in one thread.

 Do escorts need to like their clients?  Fluff question with an obvious answer, which explains why Mamasan didn’t catch this sooner.  No, we won’t tolerate a client who makes us want to claw his eyes out.  Screening exists for a reason.  Which is what the ladies said, in some variation, for a page. 

A fairly relaxed consensus was too much for one dipshit, whose main points seem to be that all providers are liars and that what’s actually for sale is their dignity.  Yea verily and forsooth, says this master of his domain, there is no provider who can pay their rent on time and therefore they will all be too desperate to ever turn down money.  Furthermore, providers cannot be truthful about hobbyists because that would lose them business, ergo all nice things providers say are bullshit.

Not that he’s bitter.

I would have passed this one up all by its onesies – the ladies seem to have everything well in hand – but then we get our second “Wait, seriously?” moment.  And it’s from a provider.

if you ever wanna know how much a provider likes you, try NOT PAYING at the end of the session.. all the “i like you” goes out the window..

Ah, that’s precious.  Set up an appointment for the purposes of theft of service.  If we’re a total doormat about being robbed, then perhaps we might be genuine.  Otherwise (aHA!) we’re just a bunch of lying liars and this proves we secretly disliked you from the start.

Is there anyone out there among you, dear readers, who is seriously contemplating this method of determining whether our fondness within a client/provider relationship is real?   If so, you’re a fucking idiot.  Mamasan has spoken.

Patty Hearst here needs to take a deep breath, and probably quite a lot of Prozac.  I’m really curious if this desperate ass-kissing style of business nets her more sessions.  Perhaps this is all merely a clever ruse to get a significant percentage of hobbyists blacklisted by other ladies, so they have no choice but to see her.  We may never know.

But wait!  Our dear Patty cannot stop there.  The gentlemen responding don’t seem to have taken to her fabulous plan, so she restates it in case they didn’t fully grasp her brilliance the first time around.

Its pretty far off base to assume ladies are only seeing guys they “like”, since so many are seen complaining in coed all the time about guys smells, guys attitudes, guys this and guys that.. so therefore they aren’t seeing “sure things”.. they are taking money from guys they would never give the time of day otherwise.. Don’t pay after BCD and see how much she likes you

Only this time she’s trying to convince the gents that all their lady friends are talking mad smack about them in the backchannel (the nasty bitches!).  See, gents?  Don’t see all those other yucky ladies.  Better yet, go see them and then don’t pay them.  Expecting payment for services rendered, bah!  Don’t worry, Honest Patty will be around to take real good care of you after those trash-talking meanies toy with you like that. 

Funny, I thought Eccie had policies about talking in public about what’s said in the backchannels.  This gal claims quite openly to be revealing info from the PIE.  Any takers on a bet of mod action here?  Anyone?  Buehler?

Which leaves us with Stupid Git #3.  What is it with Dallas hobbyists and gift cards?