Oh, honey, no.

April 9, 2010

The ad. 

The website.

Just… no.

Sweetie.  C’mere.  I’m sure you’re a lovely person, inside and out.  Kind to cats, bald men and your mother and all that.  I’m still laughing at you.  See now, the definition of upscale isn’t “I use the words ‘upscale’ and ‘classy’ a lot and charge more than BP girls”.

Upscale, classy ladies don’t have websites that look like some of the seedier strip clubs.  They can also spell, or at least hire webmasters who can.  Only e. e. cummings can get away with failing to capitalize, and no one can get away with random capitalization for apparent artistic purposes. 

Your website makes my brain hurt.  I’m baffled by your pricing structure, which seems based on whim rather than a solid business method.  I don’t really think you came up with those five-dollar words on your own, though I applaud your grasp of a thesaurus.

Don’t call yourself upscale unless you’ve got the brains to back it up.  Frankly, those with the brains generally don’t call themselves upscale either – they don’t have to.  You, sweet pea, strike me as a hot stripper who doesn’t really know what she’s doing.

I recommend a mentor and a new website, immediately and in that order.  And everyone is hereby forbidden to use that stupid center alignment without written permission from yours truly.

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There’s been a dearth of snark-worthy material lately.  Oh, there’s the usual dozen threads asking if ladies prefer hairy faces/balls over clean-shaven (giving the lie to the notion that there’s no such thing as a stupid question), some half-heartened complaints on both sides about discounts/free sessions for good reviews and the gratuitious “I’m a stud, look at meeeee!” stuff we see all the time.  Same shit, different day.

And then I find the motherlode of wank.  Literally.

Very long story cut short:  A guy (I won’t give him the term “hobbyist” as he’s got three reviews, all for >100 strip club fun) goes to a strip club and pays $200 to give himself a handjob.  Woe.  Is.  Him. 

Stupid bitch this, cunt that, skank ass blah blah blah, bitch, fat bitch, loser, stank ass, bitch, bitch, cunt.  This is everyone’s fault but mine.  Why are the girls ignoring me?  I’m a good-looking guy.  Just doesn’t make sense.  Maybe my youthful hot bod intimidated them.

The logic, it burns!  It burns like hygiene!  Seriously?  They won’t talk to you because you’re a pissy little twat, and a cheap fuck to boot.  You win the Justifying My Existence award for the week, young feller!

So, with jizz staining his jeans, Our Handsome Hero exits the club and has a philosophical moment. 

After this debacle I am not going to SC’s for extras anymore. Just isn’t worth it. I’m tired of trying to get to someplace at a certain time for the “early bird special”. I’m tired of the weird ass looks from dancers and staff when I get there and the only other guys in the place are retirees. I’m tired of the rushed feeling for something that should be enjoyed. I’m tired of the lack of intimacy. I’m tired of overpaying. I’m tired of all of the drinking before and after. I’m tired off all of the associated costs. I’m tired of always looking in the rear view for cops so I don’t get busted. This shit just isn’t fun. I really think that if I really need a release, and there aren’t any options on the bootie call list, I’ll just try out a provider or go to AMPs. I think it will be cheaper in the long run and I could probably enjoy myself. I know I’ll probably drink less overall.

Yes!,  Yes, my son, you are now getting it!  Isn’t it a wonderful moment?  The problem isn’t the strip club and isn’t the dancers, it is YOU.  You were expecting too much, for too little in return, from women whose job isn’t to offer it.  In public, no less.  Instead you can go to a woman who does offer it, for the same price, with more intimacy and less hassle.  Well done, lad, well done. 

Now, if we can just do something about this whiny attitude problem and your fucking mouth, a provider might actually see you.

I predict that within the week we see another thread by him moaning about dancers who won’t give him BBFS in public, or moaning about BP girls who won’t answer his middle-of-the-night phone calls.  Voice your thoughts now on what he’ll title that thread. 

I don’t think a week has gone by yet without those pleading posts from new hobbyists.

“Help!  I’m new and the girls just won’t see me.  I send polite emails, I’m a good guy, I’m not asking anything crazy.  What do I do?”

Apparently, “learn to read” would be at the top of the To-Do list, because dollars to donuts there was a damned near identical thread just five threads down from yours wherein you could have found all the answers.  Unless you’re so clueless that everyone’s laughing at you, you’ll get the same answers the last guy did, and the guy before him, and the guy before him, etc etc ad nauseum.  In the intersts of saving everyone some time, I’ll just put all those answers right here, shall I?

Stop cruising BP/CL.  That’s a world best left to the hobbyists for whom the thrill of the hunt is half (or more) of the fun.  Yes, it’s cheap.  There’s no such thing as a free lunch, though, and you’ll spend a great deal more finding that diamond in the rough than you would have by scheduling with a reliable, reviewed independent.  Leave BP/CL for the specialists, O Clueless One.

Most of those “help me” posts come from guys who sifted through ads and showcases to find three or four likely gals in whom they had an interest, and only posted for help when the ladies wouldn’t answer or see them.  (And cue whining that no one answered their requests.)  WRONG!  Clearly, you are thinking that all of the ladies you see advertised are available to you.  Clearly, this is not so.  You see all of those notices near the contact information about sending references in your inquiry?  Oh.  You just skimmed all that nonsense to get to the good stuff about how to contact them for some fun.  Well, we’ll back up and start at the beginning.

Read the damned ad.  Then read her signature at the bottom of the ad.  She didn’t type all that out for jollies, you know.  If she said to send references in your initial email, she meant it.  If she does not explicitly state she is “newbie friendly”, she probably isn’t.  If she explicitly states that she is NOT “newbie friendly”, rest assured that she not only damned well meant it and isn’t going to make an exception for you, but you’re going to piss her off and all her friends will have a good laugh at your expense once she passes your email around (and she will).

Do a search in the provider ad section for your local area of “newbie-friendly”.  Those are the ladies from which you get to choose.  Save the bitching about how your money is just as good as anyone else’s, because it isn’t.  You’re new.  You have no references.  The lady who sees you first, or second, will be taking a great risk in doing so, and frankly, most ladies don’t consider the return on investment to be worth it.

Now that you have found newbie-friendly providers, sort through to find two or three you would like to see.  Send each of them an email inquiry to see about an appointment.  Mention that you are new and without references.  They will let you know what information you will need to send them in order to make an appointment.

Again, no bitching.  If you think a lady will see you with no references, no info, no means by which to assure herself that you are not a total psycho, you are a delusional moron.  Get it into your head right from the start that you will have to verify yourself somehow, or just go to the tittie bar and pray for a miracle because the hobby is not for you.

Now, you’ve found a newbie-friendly provider and have gotten through her screening process.  Great!  You’re not done yet though.  “Reference” does not mean merely that some lady was willing to see you.  Oho, nosir.  Mamasan remembers fondly the story (perhaps metaphorical, but still a damned funny story) about the newbie who got screened, showed up late for the appointment and shorted the envelope by twenty bucks, and was later stunned to discover that the lady wouldn’t give him a reference.  Further, the other newbie-friendly providers didn’t want to see him now either.

Referencing you is optional.  We don’t have to do it.  When we do give a reference, other ladies will only accept you on as a client when it is a GOOD reference; meaning you behaved well.  Also, we talk to each other a lot and have this thing called “alerts”.  Misbehave badly enough and your supply of fun will be cut off.  You don’t even really have to misbehave that badly – ladies are known to refuse you just because you annoyed someone else and they found out about it.  Remember, you’re already on thin ice by being new.  Don’t make it any harder on yourself by also being an idiot. 

To recap:

Read the ads.  Search “newbie-friendly”.  Send a decent email inquiry.  Comply with screening requirements for newbies.  Behave well at the appointment.  Rinse and repeat until you have enough reputable references to see the ladies of your choice.

A few final pointers:

Some provider references are worth more than others.  Invest time into researching the most reputable of the newbie-friendly ladies.  The dividends will pay off when you find that other ladies will sometimes accept one highest-quality reference on its own.

Conversely, some references aren’t worth dick.  It pays to know who the ditzy flakes are.  A drunk, low-dollar B&G with a reputation for poor service and NCNS is probably considered unreliable by the providers as well.

Don’t try to circumvent the referencing system.  You’ll be butting your head against a brick wall,and while you won’t be the first to try to convince himself that we can’t really take it THAT seriously, trust Mamasan that we do indeed.  There are no shortcuts.  This is how it’s done.

The donation

March 19, 2010

It’s almost the first question every wanna-be escort asks, right behind, “How much can I make?” and “But what do you do if…”

How much should I charge?

The easy answer is, “How much are you worth?”

I’ll not touch on issues of non-FS, such as FBSM, because Mamasan has never been in that side of the business.  If any ladies reading this are, and feel they’ve got some valuable insights, please do email me. 

First thing you do:  Research the local market.  Read ads, visit websites, talk to other ladies.  Take an honest inventory of your skills, menu and appeal and then find independent ladies whose offerings are in a similar range.  Whatever their donations are, is what you should eventually be able to ask without much trouble.

Second thing:  Ignore any advice from hobbyists, especially of the unsolicited sort.  There are good hobbyists out there who will school you on the business with the best of intentions, hoping only for your success.  If you’re new enough to be uncertain about your donation, you are too new to know these guys from the cuntrags.    Yes, I’m sure he seems all nice and sweet.  Don’t argue.  There are guys out there who make a specialty of finding new, impressionable girls and exploiting them until the girl wises up or runs away in tears as far from the hobby world as she can get.  And to newbies, they look and sound just like the good guys.

Just stay away from all male advice until you’ve learned the basics.  You will thank me later.

So.  You’re not taking suggestions from the men, and you know about what similar ladies in your area are asking for donations.  Now, take that figure and drop it by ten percent.

You’re arguing again, I can hear it from here.  “But Mamasan, I’m new and fresh and these guys’d better recognize-”

Doesn’t work like that, sweets.  You’re new and fresh, sure, and stated another way you’re inexperienced and unproven.  No one knows you, you have no skin in the game, the hobbyists haven’t a clue what you’re like.  Are you a flake?  Dunno.  Are you on crack?  They don’t know.  Are you even any good at this?  Not a damned clue. 

From a hobbyist’s perspective, he’s got several hundred dollars.  It can either go to you, a potential waste of hard-earned cash for no benefit but some consoling pats on the back after he takes one for the team, or the same amount of cash can go to a lady he’s already seen and knows will give good value.   

Most guys won’t even hesitate.  They’ll see the lady who has already proven herself, and leave you to possibly sucker some other guy.  Getting into the game means giving them a good reason to run the risk of TOFTT.  Best way to do this is to offer comparable appeal and menu for ten percent less.

Relax.  It’s temporary.  Give yourself three to six months at the “new girl” rate.  After you’ve got a rookie-level client base built up and a review or five, or at least some decent word of mouth, move your donation back to what the other ladies are asking.  Grandfather some of your best guys, and close your ears to any bitching that comes down the pipe about Golden Pussy Syndrome.  Most of the crybabies weren’t guys you were seeing anyway, and those men wouldn’t be happy until you started $60 FS + Greek.

What’s Golden Pussy Syndrome?  It usually sounds like this, “She thinks her pussy is made of gold, such a shame, sure hope her 401k is real damn healthy because she’ll get no business now with an attitude like that, back in the day she used to know how to work in this business but now that she’s gotten all uppity…”  Whine, whine, whine.  If you hear this from gents you’ve actually seen BCD more than once, you’ve got a problem.  Otherwise, in one ear and out the other.  Most of it comes from message board posters who weren’t your target client base, and never will be.

The donation schedule should be reviewed periodically to decide whether it is still appropriate.  The simple rule is, if you aren’t getting enough appointments then you need to either up your level of service or lower your rates.  If you’re beating them off with a stick, raise your rates.  Small, cautious rate changes to offset inflation are fine but watch carefully and be ready to go back to your usual donation if business appears slim.

Multi-hours, overnights and trips.  Plan ahead – most new girls establish hourly rates and then are taken by surprise when a guy asks for more time, and aren’t sure what to tell him.

Incall is expected to be on your dime.  That’s called overhead, sweetheart.  All businesses have overhead, and (surprise!) you’re running a business.  Net profits are what you have left over after you’ve paid your business expenses.  THAT is what you live your personal life on.  Budget accordingly.

It is SOP for the hourly rate to cover usual overheads in your immediate area.  If a gent requests a specific location which is not near to you – your incall is in downtown San Antonio and he wants you to drive to Kerrville – it’s normal and even expected to ask for a surcharge to cover additonal expenses and time.  $50 or so is fine.  If he wants you to drive from downtown San Antonio to Kingsville, he should expect to pay an appropriately higher surcharge.   

At some point in your new career, you may become the flavor of the month.  Do not let this go to your head and start charging twenty percent more than anyone else.  It’s temporary lemming behavior and will go away, and then won’t YOU look like a jackass.  Just continue to ride the wave at your usual donation and make sure to provide quality service to properly screened gents.  If, weeks and weeks later, you are still inundated with requests for sessions, go ahead and raise the donation at that point.  You’ll have earned it, not by being the newest fad but by becoming a justifiably popular, proven lady.  Congrats, you’re in the big time now, baby.

A few final tips. 

Never discuss rates and menu.  You have ads and websites for all they need to know about the donation.  For preference, never discuss your menu at all. 

Donation does not equal class.  $800 with two-hour minimums cannot buy dignity, and neither can $100 B&G take it away.  Class is who you are, not how much you make.  Now go out there and prove it.

Say it with me, ladies – “I do not negotiate”.  There’s always some joker who thinks he’s such a special snowflake that he deserves a better deal than what you give to all the lovely gents who’ve taken the time to establish a regular client relationship.  DNS the fucker and move on.

Shall we tell him?

March 18, 2010

I’m sending this guy a bill for a new monitor, as I spit coffee on mine when I read his post.

I can’t get action from providers! What am I doing wrong!?  Can anybody tell me what I am doing wrong! I called Iris from backpage about two weeks ago for an outcall I didn’t argue over the donation, I wasn’t rude, I speak proper english and texted my address like she requested. She told me she will be there within 35 minutes, LIE, one hour later she is not answering my calls. I asked for a courtesy call or message through text but she didn’t reply and I gave up. The following week I called her and asked for her services again. She asked me to text her my address and again was a no call no show!! Well, I called Maria from backpage that same day and we came to an agreement on a donation. She told me she can be at my place in 45min. One hour came and went and no show. I called her and she told me her gps said 35 to arrival so I patiently waited. After another hour I called her back and she didn’t answer. Yesterday I called Dani from backpage who also gave me the run around and was a no call no show as well!! Three providers have stood me so I am wondering what is going on. I follow everything they ask on their ads I am hispanic just like them, I don’t argue on donation, live in a private secure complex, and don’t get an attitude when they don’t show when they said so what am I doing wrong?? Can anybody help me with this problem

Lordie.  Sweets, there’s nothing wrong with you that a clue-by-four upside the head wouldn’t cure.  Just to prove my point:

I’m done with hispanic providers i’m going back to asians.

I’ll get to the attitude problem in a minute, I’d just like to say:  In Texas?  Fucking good luck with that.  How new must you be to even threaten a “No Latina” policy?  Readers, we have a winner here!  I can tell. 

So.  Attitude problem.  Lack of research.  Calls providers at a quarter past f’ing midnight and expects immediate appointment.  Calls BP girls (motto: Caveat emptor, AHAHAHA).  No apparent references.  No apparent brains.  Asks about money after reading an ad (in Houston!).  Calls providers who have already NCNS’ed him. 

And yet, he is so puzzled, he is, as to WHY he is not getting any action.  Sacre bleu!  It is so strange, eh wot?  Whatever could possibly be the problem?

Dude, you’re like a toddler waving around a loaded gun.  You need a spanking, and I wonder at your parents.  If I ever catch you calling providers in the wee sma’s for no-notice/no-reference sessions again, I will personally bitch-slap you.

Sit down.  Read.  Research.  Call only proven ladies if you’ve got limited time/funds.  Learn how to spell “rookie”.  Like every good Texan, love the Latinas as much as you fear them, for they will shave your balls while you sleep and pour hot sauce on them.  Above all else, Mamasan’s Rule #1:  Good playtime is earned – no one owes you a damned thing.

***

In an unrelated snark, a poster is faced with the inconceivable.  Providers will turn down my money?  The hell you say!  Everyone knows providers are so broke and desperate they’ll do anything for a few bills, even see him.  (LOLunintentionalirony) 

Fuck that puto.

That’s all I have to say on that.

Ladies!  Come sit up here on Mamasan’s lap.  She’s got a story for you.

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess.  And then came along a mean, ugly old hobbyist.  This mean old hobbyist had heard such tales of the princess’s beauty and talent, he could not resist trying to see it for himself.  But the beautiful princess was too careful and only liked to see respectful, nice hobbyists who could get through her screening process.

Well, the mean old hobbyist got very angry.  So he went onto a hobby site and told all the other hobbyists that the beautiful princess was actually ten years older and twenty pounds heavier than her pictures showed, had a pimp who sat outside and timed the hobbyist, and was a real nasty bitch but maybe that’s because he didn’t give the $100 extra tip she tried to get out of him for BBFS.

This shocked the beautiful princess!  She hadn’t ever laid eyes on the mean, ugly old hobbyist, let alone done all those terrible things he said about her.  What was she to do?

Ladies, she is to write a rebuttal.  And here is how.

The username.

The link to the false review.

A short statement consisting solely of the facts on your knowledge of and relationship with this hobbyist.  

I have never seen this hobbyist.  He gave two provider references, and one of the providers said she had never seen him.  Here is a copy of the email I sent to decline his request for an appointment. 

 

Any circumstantial evidence to support your assertion that the review is false. 

Here is a receipt for Carraba’s, a ticket stub for the movie “Legion” and a receipt from Adam & Eve.  On the day in question, I spent the entire day with provider Blond Lily.  We got our nails done, cruised the mall, picked up new toys and lotions for our gentlemen friends, had some dinner, saw a movie and then got piss-faced at a pub.  She will corroborate this.  I did not have an appointment that day, and certainly not with that hobbyist.

Close with the statement that the review has been reported to the staff.  And then STOP.  Do not editorialize.  Don’t get weepy and emotional.  Don’t say all men suck so bad except maybe the ones who believe you.  Do not mention your children and how you work so hard just to give them the best, and then some asshole has to come along and ruin everything a single mother has worked to build.  Don’t (DON’T) tell them how you did this for him, and that for him, and tried so hard to please him, because you just like pleasing men and it’s so important to you that every guy is happy, and now he’s gone and made you question everything because he didn’t appreciate all you did for him, and maybe you ought to be like those BP girls and just be cold-hearted from now on.

It’s entirely within the realm of possibility that all this shit is true.  It isn’t relevent, though.  It certainly isn’t professional.  You sound like a hysterical drama queen.  Focus, sweetheart – he told a lie, you are exposing the lie and providing any evidence you have to assist with this.  That is all.

In the name of all that’s holy, write it well.  Capitalize.  Punctuate.  Paragraphs are your friend.  Run it through a spell-check.  Then run it by a provider friend who sounds really smart.  Hell, get her to write it FOR you if you think there’s a chance that might be necessary.   Proper English skills are not a requirement of this job, or even of posting on hobby sites (just look at some of the hobbyists).  However, credibility is tied to whether you sound intelligent or like a ditzy flake.  Yes, Mamasan knows this is neither fair nor accurate, but it’s still true.

And then leave well enough alone.  Don’t get involved in any drama that descends onto your rebuttal thread.  If (when) a hobbyist posts on your thread that you should have just kept your mouth shut, make a short reply that rebuttals are considered vital to ensure accurate reviews.  Leave it alone.    If you’ve followed the directions so far you’re doing great and probably making a damned fine impression on the men who spend money.  Don’t ruin it now.

It should go without saying that, when you stated in the rebuttal that you had reported the false review to site staff, you should have actually done so.  Your rebuttal might be a flash in the pan, convincing everyone who sees it at the time that the review was truly false.  The lurkers who come along a month later and search your reviews won’t know this.  Try to get the review removed, or at least a staff note that it is under investigation.

The email inquiry

March 8, 2010

Really, this is a very easy thing to do.  Yet there are so many complaints from ladies about hobbyists who just don’t fracking get it that I thought it ought to be first in the Hobbyist Primer.

Put in your name.  First name is often fine.

Add your board handle.  If you don’t have a handle, say so.   

Include your references.  Let me state for the record that there is nothing so important in the first email as making sure to provide references.  If you can’t be bothered to include your references, there are any number of ladies who feel perfectly justified in deleting your email and not giving you another thought.  References.  References.  I say again, references.  The ladies’ names/handles and  contact info are the bare minimum. 

Some ladies have additional requirements.  I assure you, if she is any sort of quality, these additional requirements will be easy to find.  Right in front of your face, even.  Try her ad, website or board signature.

Helpful Tips

When it comes to information, the more, the merrier.  Tell her what you like in particular when you see a new lady.  Give an idea of when and on what day you would like to see her, and give a range if possible just to help coordinate schedules all the faster.  Let her know if there are any restrictions on contacting you; if texts are a bad idea, if calls should only come during business hours.  Tell her if this is to be outcall or incall.  Let her know what sort of time you’d like to spend with her.

The same applies for your references.  It is tremendously helpful to include any information you can about your reference.  Approximately when you saw her last, how often you’ve seen her, does she know you by your first name or your board handle or by some other nickname entirely, any funny jokes you shared with your reference (if it’s been a while, this will help jog the lady’s memory).

If you really like, let her know what attracted you to her.  Did you like her posts and decided to look her up based on that?  Was her most recent ad eye-catching in some way?  A new picture that was just so stellar you had to find out if the steak was as good as the sizzle?  Did a hobby friend recommend her?  These things are not necessary, of course, but they’ll earn you cookie points with any number of providers.  We love this sort of feedback, and it helps our marketing.

Mamasan’s Pet Peeves

Don’t tell us how handsome you are.  We’re very happy for you but it just isn’t relevent.

Do not email ladies who state they are not newbie-friendly “just in case”.  She does not make exceptions.  No, not even for handsome guys.  Nor for guys who devoutly swear they are really, really nice and will meet her for a drink so she can see for herself how really, really nice they are.

Don’t ever describe yourself as a “good Christian family man”.  Seriously?  Bitch, please.

Don’t ask questions about rates or menu.  Don’t ever correlate the two.  Most quality ladies will not answer them.  Have a care, gents.

Don’t ever try to negotiate.  Ever.  This is not eBay.  I will DNS for this alone.