I LOL’ed

April 21, 2010

Hi, guys!  It’s been awhile, huh?  How’ve things been?  Good?  Great.  Me, I’m pretty mosquito-bitten – I swear, I saw one of the buggers eat a bee the other day.  Everything’s been quiet lately, yeah?  I know.  And I only update this blog when people are doing or saying something particularly stupid, so since Eccie’s behaving at the moment…

I found the stupid.  It was hiding over on OurHome2.  (Hat tip to a Minion.  Good find.)

Wanker #1 starts wanking waxes poetic about this ad.  Yeah, I suppose she’s got a bit of a point.  I did cringe when I saw the ad title.  But… meh.  Either titling your ad “IS YOUR SO A BITCH” will get you sessions or it won’t.

But wait!  There’s more!

A gent has the audacity, the sheer temerity, to display a lack of outrage.  (What an asshole!)  Wanker #1 publically threatens a DNS list addition for him and anyone else who thinks like him.  Not that this is an overreaction LIKE WHOA, SERIOUSLY?  (This sort of hair-on-fire behavior over nothing is typical of Wanker #1 – well known for it.)

Go ahead and giggle, I did.  

While I’m at it, Wanker #1.  Types.  Like William Shatner;  Talks.  Mamasan is.  Deriving much personal.  Amusement from this.

But wait!  There’s more!

Second, you really need to remember what a provider is … quite simply, a whore. 

Wanker #2 chimes in!  To which Mamasan says:  Oh hellllll no, you didn’t just go there.  What is with the hobbyists who think they can pull that, “Well, you’re a WHORE” argument out of their pocket and slap it down like the ace of spades as an automatic I-win-every-argument.  Irony, motherfucker – look it up.

You could also title this one, “Reality?  I think I ate there once.  Right next to Denny’s, isn’t it?”

ETA:  And we have an update.  LOL.  Although it would probably be funnier if I knew what either of them were saying. 

The post that looks blank originally read:

I’ll say it for you.

BITCH.

For the win!

I’m thinking this didn’t turn out the way Wanker #1 pictured it.

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Oh, honey, no.

April 9, 2010

The ad. 

The website.

Just… no.

Sweetie.  C’mere.  I’m sure you’re a lovely person, inside and out.  Kind to cats, bald men and your mother and all that.  I’m still laughing at you.  See now, the definition of upscale isn’t “I use the words ‘upscale’ and ‘classy’ a lot and charge more than BP girls”.

Upscale, classy ladies don’t have websites that look like some of the seedier strip clubs.  They can also spell, or at least hire webmasters who can.  Only e. e. cummings can get away with failing to capitalize, and no one can get away with random capitalization for apparent artistic purposes. 

Your website makes my brain hurt.  I’m baffled by your pricing structure, which seems based on whim rather than a solid business method.  I don’t really think you came up with those five-dollar words on your own, though I applaud your grasp of a thesaurus.

Don’t call yourself upscale unless you’ve got the brains to back it up.  Frankly, those with the brains generally don’t call themselves upscale either – they don’t have to.  You, sweet pea, strike me as a hot stripper who doesn’t really know what she’s doing.

I recommend a mentor and a new website, immediately and in that order.  And everyone is hereby forbidden to use that stupid center alignment without written permission from yours truly.

Apropros of two threads on Eccie, I’ve decided it’s time for you boys and I to have a little chat (if by “chat” you mean, “Mamasan will talk and you will listen” which, naturally, I do).  Let me tell you two stories of fictional hobbyists, whom I will call BigJohn and Daddy.  Repeat: fictional.  Names selected for my own private amusement.

BigJohn is at work, doing work-type things.  For whatever reason – a meeting rescheduled, a call that doesn’t go through, a boss in the momentary throes of generosity – BigJohn suddenly finds that he is getting off work early or otherwise having unexpected free time in the middl of his day.  Perfect!  thinks BigJohn.  A great opportunity for hobbying.  So BigJohn logs onto the boards and skims through the most recent ads.  One picture looks especially hot, so he skims further to find her phone number and calls it up.   

“Hello.”  Nice whiskey voice, he could get a little wood on the sound alone.  This is looking better by the moment.

“Hi, my name is BigJohn.  I found your number on Eccie.  What are you doing right now?”

An ominous pause.  The lady with the hot picture and nice voice is, regrettably, unavailable.  So BigJohn, undaunted, tries another.  And another.  And another.  Finally, an hour later and surrounded by the ruins of what could have been a great afternoon, he posts a thread asking how to make it easier to see providers.  I mean, BigJohn has references so this shouldn’t be so difficult, yes?   

Now lets move on to Daddy.  Daddy’s had his eye on a particular lady for two or three weeks now.  He’s read all the reviews, gone over her ads, asked around in the backchannels.  So far, he likes what he hears and he’s looking forward to what promises to be a great session.  Daddy’s doing some business downtown and, when it concludes, figures that he can probably sneak in an appointment with no one at work being the wiser.  It’s perfect, actually, as the reviews say her incall is just a mile away.   Daddy calls up the new prospect but, dammit all, she’s not available. 

Not to worry, there will be other days.  C’est la vie.

The next week Daddy is on his way to his weekly boys poker night, and realizes that this is the perfect cover.  Mrs Daddy doesn’t expect him back for hours, so why not give the lady a call?  He does that very thing, only now she’s booked for the night.  Curses, foiled again! 

It’s obvious to most of us where BigJohn and Daddy are going wrong.  To any BigJohns or Daddys reading here, welcome to the Primer, where Mamasan tells you the obvious. 

Our heroes, Big John and Daddy, made several glaring errors.  Most of them can be boiled down to Piss-Poor Planning, also known as “A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

Don’t call a lady and ask, “What are you doing right now?”  Mamasan has yet to figure out how to reach through the phone and smack a fellow upside the head (aren’t you fortunate), but if she does then it’ll probably be because this question drives her wild.  Right now?  Right now, she is probably up to her elbows in a sink full of soapy water and dirty dishes.  Right now, she is at the grocery store after running errands for three hours, is feeling quite frazzled already and has no makeup on.  Right now she is on the other line with her mother.  Right now she is getting ready for a hot date with a civilian, and is positively wallowing in the anticipation of a night where she can say anything she damned well pleases, and maybe even get some civilian sex. 

In short, right now she is having a goddamned life.  What she is almost certainly not doing right now is lounging around her incall, attired in something filmy and pink and barely-there, freshly showered, pefectly coiffed and with impeccable makeup, playing with a vibrator while sending hungry glances at her phone.  Just waiting for you to call.  Yes, it is entirely within the realm of possibility that this is precisely what she’s doing right now.  Possible – but not very f’ing likely.

But Mamasan, gents get last-minute appointments, we’ve heard about it in reviews.  Yes, and sometimes gents find 19 year old blondes with $100 hour and good service on BP.  Ask yourself if you’re looking for consistent hobbying or the luck of the draw.  If you want the latter, avast and good luck.  If the former, there are steps you need to take.  Otherwise, you’ll only keep running against that brick wall of Ladies Have Lives and start whiny, grumbling threads about how no one can accomodate you the moment you feel the urge.

And it all points straight to Good Planning.

Don’t waste time digging through ads – know who you want to see in advance.  Do your research in your off-time, when you have the leisure to ask around and read reviews.  Make up a short list of gals who sound like fun and have good word-of-mouth.     

Get pre-screened.  Send an email inquiry (see the Primer) to the gals on your short list and explain that you’d like to be screened in advance, just in case of last-minute appointments.  Now is the time to ask if they even offer last-minute plans.

Call ahead.  “Hi, SuzySexypants, I’ll be in the area later today and just in case some time opens up for me, how does your schedule look?  I can’t commit to an appointment just now, and my apologies for that, but if you’re still free later, would you mind if I gave you a call?  Say, around two o’clock?  Great!  I’ll let you know.”  Warning: some ladies will still be annoyed by this.  The rest of them, the ones with good business skills, will appreciate the heads-up and make sure to be ready to accomodate your possible free time.  Warning the Second: you had damned well better call one way or the other.  If she’s ready, just in case, at two o’clock and never hears from you, then she is going to be pissed off  and I don’t blame her a bit.  Cry wolf too often, O Timewasters, and see how many short-notice appointments you get.

Pre-book.  Learn to love pre-booking, for it is the surest way of getting an appointment.  Forgot that your weekly poker night would be a great cover story?  Pre-book for next week’s poker night, silly man.  Et voila!  Problem fucking solved.

Finally, develop a good relationship with at least one quality lady.  The kind of relationship where, if she isn’t available, she will tell you who IS available.  We know everything, guys.  We know who is traveling to our market.  We know which girl hasn’t paid her rent yet.  We know who is a night owl, who has no problem driving to the boonies, who doesn’t have to get a babysitter today.  We know who just got a boob job and who she is referring her clients to while she recovers.  We know who is new and fabulous (and sober) who needs a good review or two to really kick off her business, or who is the knock-out UTR schoolteacher-by-day who has a divorce to pay for.  You want good intel?  Gentlemen, for that you need to know a provider. 

If all this sounds like effort, that’s because it is.  It’ll also get you laid more often than dialing random numbers out of the blue in the hopes some woman doesn’t have a life.

Bringing the crazy

March 21, 2010

So there I was.  Poked the internet in a lazy sort of manner a time or two, but it looked like no one was planning to go insane this weekend.  Hurrah for two rational days in a row!

I spoke too soon.  I bring you not one, not two, but THREE cases of complete WTFery.  Two in one thread.

 Do escorts need to like their clients?  Fluff question with an obvious answer, which explains why Mamasan didn’t catch this sooner.  No, we won’t tolerate a client who makes us want to claw his eyes out.  Screening exists for a reason.  Which is what the ladies said, in some variation, for a page. 

A fairly relaxed consensus was too much for one dipshit, whose main points seem to be that all providers are liars and that what’s actually for sale is their dignity.  Yea verily and forsooth, says this master of his domain, there is no provider who can pay their rent on time and therefore they will all be too desperate to ever turn down money.  Furthermore, providers cannot be truthful about hobbyists because that would lose them business, ergo all nice things providers say are bullshit.

Not that he’s bitter.

I would have passed this one up all by its onesies – the ladies seem to have everything well in hand – but then we get our second “Wait, seriously?” moment.  And it’s from a provider.

if you ever wanna know how much a provider likes you, try NOT PAYING at the end of the session.. all the “i like you” goes out the window..

Ah, that’s precious.  Set up an appointment for the purposes of theft of service.  If we’re a total doormat about being robbed, then perhaps we might be genuine.  Otherwise (aHA!) we’re just a bunch of lying liars and this proves we secretly disliked you from the start.

Is there anyone out there among you, dear readers, who is seriously contemplating this method of determining whether our fondness within a client/provider relationship is real?   If so, you’re a fucking idiot.  Mamasan has spoken.

Patty Hearst here needs to take a deep breath, and probably quite a lot of Prozac.  I’m really curious if this desperate ass-kissing style of business nets her more sessions.  Perhaps this is all merely a clever ruse to get a significant percentage of hobbyists blacklisted by other ladies, so they have no choice but to see her.  We may never know.

But wait!  Our dear Patty cannot stop there.  The gentlemen responding don’t seem to have taken to her fabulous plan, so she restates it in case they didn’t fully grasp her brilliance the first time around.

Its pretty far off base to assume ladies are only seeing guys they “like”, since so many are seen complaining in coed all the time about guys smells, guys attitudes, guys this and guys that.. so therefore they aren’t seeing “sure things”.. they are taking money from guys they would never give the time of day otherwise.. Don’t pay after BCD and see how much she likes you

Only this time she’s trying to convince the gents that all their lady friends are talking mad smack about them in the backchannel (the nasty bitches!).  See, gents?  Don’t see all those other yucky ladies.  Better yet, go see them and then don’t pay them.  Expecting payment for services rendered, bah!  Don’t worry, Honest Patty will be around to take real good care of you after those trash-talking meanies toy with you like that. 

Funny, I thought Eccie had policies about talking in public about what’s said in the backchannels.  This gal claims quite openly to be revealing info from the PIE.  Any takers on a bet of mod action here?  Anyone?  Buehler?

Which leaves us with Stupid Git #3.  What is it with Dallas hobbyists and gift cards?