There’s been a dearth of snark-worthy material lately.  Oh, there’s the usual dozen threads asking if ladies prefer hairy faces/balls over clean-shaven (giving the lie to the notion that there’s no such thing as a stupid question), some half-heartened complaints on both sides about discounts/free sessions for good reviews and the gratuitious “I’m a stud, look at meeeee!” stuff we see all the time.  Same shit, different day.

And then I find the motherlode of wank.  Literally.

Very long story cut short:  A guy (I won’t give him the term “hobbyist” as he’s got three reviews, all for >100 strip club fun) goes to a strip club and pays $200 to give himself a handjob.  Woe.  Is.  Him. 

Stupid bitch this, cunt that, skank ass blah blah blah, bitch, fat bitch, loser, stank ass, bitch, bitch, cunt.  This is everyone’s fault but mine.  Why are the girls ignoring me?  I’m a good-looking guy.  Just doesn’t make sense.  Maybe my youthful hot bod intimidated them.

The logic, it burns!  It burns like hygiene!  Seriously?  They won’t talk to you because you’re a pissy little twat, and a cheap fuck to boot.  You win the Justifying My Existence award for the week, young feller!

So, with jizz staining his jeans, Our Handsome Hero exits the club and has a philosophical moment. 

After this debacle I am not going to SC’s for extras anymore. Just isn’t worth it. I’m tired of trying to get to someplace at a certain time for the “early bird special”. I’m tired of the weird ass looks from dancers and staff when I get there and the only other guys in the place are retirees. I’m tired of the rushed feeling for something that should be enjoyed. I’m tired of the lack of intimacy. I’m tired of overpaying. I’m tired of all of the drinking before and after. I’m tired off all of the associated costs. I’m tired of always looking in the rear view for cops so I don’t get busted. This shit just isn’t fun. I really think that if I really need a release, and there aren’t any options on the bootie call list, I’ll just try out a provider or go to AMPs. I think it will be cheaper in the long run and I could probably enjoy myself. I know I’ll probably drink less overall.

Yes!,  Yes, my son, you are now getting it!  Isn’t it a wonderful moment?  The problem isn’t the strip club and isn’t the dancers, it is YOU.  You were expecting too much, for too little in return, from women whose job isn’t to offer it.  In public, no less.  Instead you can go to a woman who does offer it, for the same price, with more intimacy and less hassle.  Well done, lad, well done. 

Now, if we can just do something about this whiny attitude problem and your fucking mouth, a provider might actually see you.

I predict that within the week we see another thread by him moaning about dancers who won’t give him BBFS in public, or moaning about BP girls who won’t answer his middle-of-the-night phone calls.  Voice your thoughts now on what he’ll title that thread. 

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Someone found my blog using “p411 bbfs” as search terms.  Hello!  Bet YOU were just a wee bit surprised.  Nasty git, now go Google “oozing sores” and cover it up.

Still no healthcare wanking.  And I was so looking forward to it.  Imagine the potential!  The angst.  The woe.  The public statements of DNSing hobbyists and providers alike, merely for their politics.  Hobby community, if we can keep this subject wank-free for the rest of the week then Mamasan will say, well played.  Well played indeed.

Now, on to today’s snarking.  I know you know which thread is coming up.  You saw it and thought right off, “Ooh, this’ll be on Mamasan’s blog by the end of the day.”  How right you were, my friends.

The Last Words of Big Pimpin

Let me just get this out of the way, real quick-like, and then we can get to the discussion.  His wife was so completely standing over his shoulder as he typed that.  Bet you half a dollar.  (It’s part of standard couples therapy in regards to adultery now, you know.)

Big Pimpin, you are such a pussy.  And that’s all I have to say on him (surprise!).

My snark here is a related subject which 1) you can find illustrated in the linked thread and 2) has been kind of, sort of, rather (really) bothering the hell out of me for some time now.  It’s on this notion that it’s all the wife’s fault if her husband hobbies.  Well, if she’d have kept him happy at home…  Well, if she hadn’t nagged him…  Well, if she hadn’t driven him to it…

I’ll be the one to say it:  That’s such a crock of shit.

In the interests of full disclosure, I can be seen on Sarah’s blog stating that I think one of her recent blog posts on a less-extreme version of “why men hobby” sounds fairly accurate, and on my own blog quoted as saying, “They’re not bad, they’re lonely” of some of my own customers.

Not here to claim that women cannot be blamed – oftentimes, a measure of culpability can be leveled at them quite legitimately.  She took little pains with her appearance.  She treated him with scorn, disrespect, or as a tiresome duty.  Worse, she treated him as an ATM.  She was too busy to give the level of attention he desires to his physical and emotional needs.   She became sexless, or nearly so.  

All of these are very real, and very compelling, arguments that the woman holds some share of blame when her man strays.  What it doesn’t do is excuse him utterly. 

We’ve all seen the “My wife this” and “My wife that” on the boards, and providers have even heard it in session.  I’m willing to bet there’s a large percentage of truth in every one of those complaints, too.  What I’ve always wondered to myself is, what would the wife say about her hobbyist husband if we asked?  Big Pimpin made a (possibly forced, but let’s not speculate too wildly or we’ll never get anywhere) confession to verbally abusing his wife.  I’d imagine making nasty remarks to your life-partner has something to do with why she’s not aroused by you.

Is anyone really deluding themselves that ALL hobbyists are just charming, perfect husbands plagued with she-devil wives who drove the poor dears mercilessly into the arms of another woman? 

Being an adult means owning your own shit and working to resolve it.  You aren’t getting enough nookie from the little woman.  Well, have you asked her for more?  Have you had a frank discussion with your wife about the desire for passion in your marriage, and then followed up on this by doing things you think might make her more passionate towards you?  Bring home flowers from work.  Buy her a sexy nightie.  Kiss the back of her neck for no reason while she’s cooking your dinner or folding your socks.  Take her out on a date, fer crissake’s, and get her piss-faced drunk on good wine and then take her home where there are NO CHILDREN because you’ve wisely packed them off to your mother’s for the night, and shag like college kids.

She says something nasty and disrespectful.  Have you looked into counseling?  Mention to her that this sort of talk is not appropriate and makes you feel as if she despises you.   

She doesn’t look as good as she once did.  Buddy, I’m pretty certain you don’t either.  Join a gym with her.  Read to her an article about the risk of heart attack and tell her seriously you think you both ought to be more careful about your diet.  Reinforce any positive changes – if she’s finally put on makeup, tell her how pretty she looks.

Make a bloody effort, gents.  What can YOU do to fix the state of your home life and, specifically, your bedroom shenanigans. 

And if you’ve taken her to counseling, told her how pretty she looks on the occasions she makes some effort to look good, helped her diet, bought her nice things and flowers and done the dishes for her and packed the kids off to her mother’s so you could have alone time, had many honest and open discussions on the state of your marriage and your respective needs, and she’s still a rotten bitch…  Give a provider a call, because you’ve done all you can and, dammit, everyone needs to feel special and have the occasional sweaty orgasm.  You, sir, should hobby guilt-free with a piece of work like that at home to deal with.    

No one among you needs justify yourself to Mamasan.  I already assume most of my clientele (but then, I’m choosy) and the gents I like to converse with online have done what an adult needs to do.  

It annoys the piss out of me when I hear providers go on about, “Well, if she’d take better care of her man…”   Blah, blah, blah.  Shaddup.  Better yet, grow up.  You’re a woman, for the love of all that’s holy, you know exactly what it’s like to deal with men.  Some guys are sex addicts.  Some guys are assholes.  Come talk to Mamasan when you’re my age and tell me it’s all a woman’s fault.  When hobbyists go on about how their wife is a total shit and providers have attitude problems and whine, whine, no one understaaaaands me – I’m more inclined to think the problem is him, not whatever woman he’s blaming his life choices on today. 

A large portion of the hobby is that people make shitty decisions in life.  They’re bad husbands, or merely husbands who don’t communicate well.  Goofy women who haven’t fit themselves out for proper work or are incapable of living a responsible life, and turned to escorting because they left themselves little option.  The rest of us are just a bit tired of your self-justifying drivel.  Own your shit and move on – don’t wallow in all this “nothing is ever my fault” nonsense.

Shall we tell him?

March 18, 2010

I’m sending this guy a bill for a new monitor, as I spit coffee on mine when I read his post.

I can’t get action from providers! What am I doing wrong!?  Can anybody tell me what I am doing wrong! I called Iris from backpage about two weeks ago for an outcall I didn’t argue over the donation, I wasn’t rude, I speak proper english and texted my address like she requested. She told me she will be there within 35 minutes, LIE, one hour later she is not answering my calls. I asked for a courtesy call or message through text but she didn’t reply and I gave up. The following week I called her and asked for her services again. She asked me to text her my address and again was a no call no show!! Well, I called Maria from backpage that same day and we came to an agreement on a donation. She told me she can be at my place in 45min. One hour came and went and no show. I called her and she told me her gps said 35 to arrival so I patiently waited. After another hour I called her back and she didn’t answer. Yesterday I called Dani from backpage who also gave me the run around and was a no call no show as well!! Three providers have stood me so I am wondering what is going on. I follow everything they ask on their ads I am hispanic just like them, I don’t argue on donation, live in a private secure complex, and don’t get an attitude when they don’t show when they said so what am I doing wrong?? Can anybody help me with this problem

Lordie.  Sweets, there’s nothing wrong with you that a clue-by-four upside the head wouldn’t cure.  Just to prove my point:

I’m done with hispanic providers i’m going back to asians.

I’ll get to the attitude problem in a minute, I’d just like to say:  In Texas?  Fucking good luck with that.  How new must you be to even threaten a “No Latina” policy?  Readers, we have a winner here!  I can tell. 

So.  Attitude problem.  Lack of research.  Calls providers at a quarter past f’ing midnight and expects immediate appointment.  Calls BP girls (motto: Caveat emptor, AHAHAHA).  No apparent references.  No apparent brains.  Asks about money after reading an ad (in Houston!).  Calls providers who have already NCNS’ed him. 

And yet, he is so puzzled, he is, as to WHY he is not getting any action.  Sacre bleu!  It is so strange, eh wot?  Whatever could possibly be the problem?

Dude, you’re like a toddler waving around a loaded gun.  You need a spanking, and I wonder at your parents.  If I ever catch you calling providers in the wee sma’s for no-notice/no-reference sessions again, I will personally bitch-slap you.

Sit down.  Read.  Research.  Call only proven ladies if you’ve got limited time/funds.  Learn how to spell “rookie”.  Like every good Texan, love the Latinas as much as you fear them, for they will shave your balls while you sleep and pour hot sauce on them.  Above all else, Mamasan’s Rule #1:  Good playtime is earned – no one owes you a damned thing.

***

In an unrelated snark, a poster is faced with the inconceivable.  Providers will turn down my money?  The hell you say!  Everyone knows providers are so broke and desperate they’ll do anything for a few bills, even see him.  (LOLunintentionalirony) 

Fuck that puto.

That’s all I have to say on that.

And the minions swing into action with a quickness.  Good catch, Anonymous.  This one’s got it all: cross-gender hysterics, martyrdom, epic failure-to-get-it, and nice potential for flouncing off in a huff.  Brilliant.

Wherein a Houston ASPD moderator demonstrates that, of all the things he learned in years of moderating and hosting, the one thing he did not learn from the December social raid is that, “It’s okay, he’s with me” is still a bad idea.

To sum it up:

A male mod asks a question to which he didn’t really want an answer.  He gets one anyway.  Cue reply of, “FINE, well, if you just DON’T LOVE ME then I guess I’ll shut up.  I’m a MOD, but what do I know after YEARS of killing myself for you people.  *sniff*” which is extraordinary mostly for the fact he doesn’t realize he sounds like his wife.  First respondent and another mod tell him his butt looks fine in those jeans try to calm him down.  He climbs up on his cross and does a Jesus impersonation.

Wank, wank, wank.

Friendship with a mod does not count as a BCD reference.  I’m rather surprised this question was even posed.  No, let me clarify:  I’m surprised this question was posed by a long-time mod and experienced hobbyist.  Idiots and n00bs ask it all the time. 

No, we will not call your buddy because he’ll say you’re “cool”.  No, we will not accept another hobbyist at a social saying, “Oh, yeah, sure, he’s a great guy.”  Listen close, gents, and I’ll tell you why not.

We’re asking different things.

YOU are saying that he’s amusing and you’d buy him a beer.  We want to know how often he showers, is he respectful to women, is he punctual, what triggers his jimmy and the jimmy’s rough dimensions.

If you can speak from personal experience on all that – including the last two – then Mamasan will accept a reference from a male hobbyist and promises to be very discreet about your relationship with him.  Until then?  Wanker, please.  Not only am I eyeballing your posts as prime “emotionally high-maintenance” red flag material, Mamasan is also getting strong whiffs that you think you and your hobby pals ought to be outside the normal rules and SOP because you are “important”.  Seriously?  You post on the internet.  That doesn’t make you important.  Go cure male pattern baldness or something and then get back to me.

Sigh.  It’s almost disheartening how easily and often I can find these instances wherein both parties need a good smacking and to be sent to their corners until they learn how to behave.

On the other hand, I’ll have no shortage of material for my blog.  Silver lining!

Dear Hot Mess,

Posting (in Co-Ed) that you can’t wait to leave Austin and you’ll never come back because one would-be hobbyist was rude to you is just goofy.  What were they supposed to do, apologize and promise to run him out of town on a rail?  Guarantee a hassle-free Austin for your touring convenience?  Just please, pretty please, come back and see us sometime?  Ridiculous.  When you blame the whole town for one man, don’t be surprised when the whole town snarls back.

You, missy, are not helping anyone.  And your posts make my brain hurt.

Dear “LOL, I’m rude, I RAWK!”,

You’re a twat.  Twelve year old girls can come up with better insults.  Congratulations for one of the bitchier posts in Co-Ed – perhaps we should have you tested for estrogen.  What is it that you do, exactly, which allows you to pay $250 an hour for a lady’s time and yet being only slightly more coherent than a fifth-grader is not a problem? 

I’m catagorizing you with the many other men who remain unable to comprehend that this board contains not just hobbyists, but many of the hottest nymphomaniacs in the nation.  And they’re reading your post, genius.  

Don’t cock-swing unless you want the ladies to see what you’ve got.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: No matter how cool your “bros” on a message board think you are, until the bros grow vaginas it isn’t going to get you laid.  Duh, twitterfuck.

… where I can hear.  (Or read, as it were.) 

Cannot believe I am sitting here in Dallas with a wad of cash and NO date!  OK, so not exactly a wad of cash…but I do have a good portion of an avg. HHR in this fine town! But I have gift cards that can make up the rest.

I don’t even need to comment.  It stands on its own.

The review.

And the lady says it’s not true.

To sum it up for those too lazy to read the links:

A newbie makes his first post to review one of the top San Antonio providers.  The lady in question has been in the business for years and has stellar reviews which numbers I don’t know off-hand, but must be pushing a hundred.  Enough to choke a cow, and let’s call that a technical term.

This complete nobody says the lady offered horrible service and a menu more limited than you can get in a strip club.    Here’s the kicker:  Top provider.  Outrageously high number of great reviews.  And the hobbyists believed him.

 

I was going to chalk the whole episode up to silly hobbyists behaving like silly hobbyists until I read the rebuttal thread.  One fellow stated, “I just wish Pepper would have contacted a moderator and told them of the fake review/harassment to squash the speculation, save her the hassle and possibly out a troll if that was indeed the case. However, it sounds like she was not cool with the ECCIE board, and that is certainly her preference.

Its bullshit somebody must defend themselves against false accusations, but you must admit, her silence during this whole matter looked bad from an inquisitive hobbyists’ perspective. Remember, we as hobbyist are at risk for robberies, exploitation, battery and other undesired crimes/circumstance from providers and, more likely, their supporting staff (i.e. pissed of S.O., pimps, etc.).”

Oh, you poor baby.  Want me to get you some Midol? 

So much WTF in that post, I’m just flabberghasted.  The irony is of “Bitch, please” proportions, and not only from his assertion that somehow the lady here – who, I remind you, has done nothing wrong – has somehow endangered the poor defenseless hobbyists/victims. 

The only time you’re going to run into a “pimp” is if you’re slumming in the bargain basement world of BP/CL or picking up streetwalkers, which is about as far as one can get from a discussion of one of the top independent companions in San Antonio.  Don’t want to deal with pimps?  That’s easy – don’t be  a cheap fuckwad. 

The piece de resistance, however, is this notion that somehow she owed the hobbyists a rebuttal.  No.  No, sir, she did not.  Rebuttals, nay, ANY instance of a lady offering any opinion that a particular hobbyist has not behaved in a manner which is acceptable, are so famous for being swarmed by hobbyists telling her to keep her mouth shut, that they have now EARNED IT when one does. 

And the notion that her silence implies guilt?  Fucking sit down before you hurt yourself, genius.  You put her in a situation where she can’t win, apparently for the fun of getting to bitch no matter what she does.  Yes, YOU.  Where were you on all the rebuttal and alert threads, with your shit about “Hobbyists are victims of crimes by providers and need all the information from their rebuttals to saaaaave themselves.”  No where, that’s what, so STFU.