New linkies

May 7, 2010

I bring you the pretty!  Madame X.  Don’t know much about her, but I found myself staring at those white stockings for far longer than was probably healthy.  I imagine the gents around here will probably appreciate the pretty even more than I did.  Plus, sharing might count as my good deed for the day.

Enjoy.  Don’t drool too much, very bad for the keyboard.

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April 24, 2010

It’s been more than a month since the healthcare bill was passed and no political circle-jerks in sight!  Well played, hobby community, well pla-  never mind.

A hobbyist posts a very heartfelt and unabashedly pleading thread to ask for donations.  His ATF has suffered an unfortunate, and severe, car crash.  Not only is her vehicle apparently totaled and she herself unable to work until she has healed, but she is so seriously injured she’s in the ICU.

This differs from the usual crop of “help, help, please give me money” threads on several counts.

1. The OP has a bit of a reputation for having a stick up his ass about providers in general, so any lady good enough to win his affections must be something else indeed.

2. He’s not only opening himself up to being humiliated in public, he’s putting his real name at some risk by setting up means to accept donations on his ATF’s behalf. 

3. The provider isn’t asking for rent money because she’s broke and maybe/probably needs money management as much as she needs funds.  This is a genuine financial catastrophe.

My opinion of this guy just went up quite a bit.

Aaaand someone immediately takes the opportunity to say this proves the OP is wrong about Obamacare, which would fix his ATF’s problems. 

Someone else says Obamacare would shove her in a closet, and maybe she’d DIE!!!1

I can see they’ve fully grasped this woman’s personal tragedy.  (As a tool to flog their dead horses.  Self-centered?  Never!)   

Maybe if he changed his signature to appear neutral. That stuff rubs some people the wrong way and some may withhold donations.
WINNER!  Say only what I agree with, or the girl gets it.  Bitch, are you for real?  A woman is lying in the intensive care unit and this People’s Choice Award is more concerned with making sure to silence political opposition.
Not precisely oozing the milk of human kindness, eh wot? 
What is typical liberal bull? Getting something for doing nothing?
Mamasan ain’t sayin’ a damned thing.  Nope.
I wonder how these Obama haters felt during the Bush Administration.

Was life all sweet and peachy for them? If it was, then they were in a small minority.

Damned straight.  This’ll teach the OP not to like Obama.
Good sweet Christ on a cracker.  Winning hearts and changing minds for Obamacare, all right.  I read a blog yesterday which mentioned a band that plays a song which reminds me of this thread.  (That sentence was a  mouthful.)  Something about gouging my eyes out to make the pain stop and, Jesus, does it never end?  Most appropriate.

This topic keeps coming up, no matter how I wish it will die a gruesome death, so I should probably put it in the primer.

Bartering.

Picture this. 

“Joe’s Plumbing, Joe the Plumber speaking.”

“Hi Joe, this is BigDaddy Hobbyist.  The wife wants a new faucet installed and I don’t have the time to do it myself.  Do you think you could take this on?”

“Sure.  I could have someone out Wednesday.  Is around four o’clock good for you?”

“That’s fine.  Say, it’s okay if I pay with a slightly used Dell notebook, right?  It’s worth at least $350.”

“…”

No?  You don’t think your plumber would go for that?  Okay, but surely your accountant would.  Or, say, you could mention this to your boss.  I bet he has something around the house he could offer you instead of your paycheck.  Yeah?  This works for you?

Right.  Thought not.

This is real simple.  We’re running a business here, not a garage sale.  A poster in the linked thread has a fine point about the debased currency, but my insurance company isn’t going to care about a spiel on the inherent worthlessness of fiat dollars as opposed to, say… a cow. 

Reasons Why Cash Is King:

– The insurance company and the landlord for my incall will take cash.  They will not take a slightly used Dell notebook. 

– If the cash is dirty, worn and spent some time in the asscrack of another woman, it is still a usable medium of exchange.  This is not true of the quality lingerie you offered as payment, which turns out to have belonged to your wife.

– If you promised to pay in photography services and the lady discovers too late that you don’t know which is the business end of the camera, she cannot demand you give the BBBJ back.

Barter Is Appropriate When:

– The lady posts a request for a specific item or service, which you happen to be able to offer.  Note that she is proposing the exchange.  It is her business, and she has now let you know that she will temporarily accept slightly used Dell notebooks in lieu of cash.  This does not mean you can offer her a set of used rims instead.

– You are a regular customer who has fallen on hard times.  It may be appropriate for you and a favorite ladyfriend to renegotiate the nature of your compensation for her time.  This is, of course, up to the lady in question.   

If you’re sitting on a lot of used/slightly used stuff and you’d like to parlay that into playtime, gents, Mamasan suggests eBay.  There’s lots more people there that want your stuff and will give you cash, and lots more ladies who will take cash than want your stuff.  See how that works?

I LOL’ed

April 21, 2010

Hi, guys!  It’s been awhile, huh?  How’ve things been?  Good?  Great.  Me, I’m pretty mosquito-bitten – I swear, I saw one of the buggers eat a bee the other day.  Everything’s been quiet lately, yeah?  I know.  And I only update this blog when people are doing or saying something particularly stupid, so since Eccie’s behaving at the moment…

I found the stupid.  It was hiding over on OurHome2.  (Hat tip to a Minion.  Good find.)

Wanker #1 starts wanking waxes poetic about this ad.  Yeah, I suppose she’s got a bit of a point.  I did cringe when I saw the ad title.  But… meh.  Either titling your ad “IS YOUR SO A BITCH” will get you sessions or it won’t.

But wait!  There’s more!

A gent has the audacity, the sheer temerity, to display a lack of outrage.  (What an asshole!)  Wanker #1 publically threatens a DNS list addition for him and anyone else who thinks like him.  Not that this is an overreaction LIKE WHOA, SERIOUSLY?  (This sort of hair-on-fire behavior over nothing is typical of Wanker #1 – well known for it.)

Go ahead and giggle, I did.  

While I’m at it, Wanker #1.  Types.  Like William Shatner;  Talks.  Mamasan is.  Deriving much personal.  Amusement from this.

But wait!  There’s more!

Second, you really need to remember what a provider is … quite simply, a whore. 

Wanker #2 chimes in!  To which Mamasan says:  Oh hellllll no, you didn’t just go there.  What is with the hobbyists who think they can pull that, “Well, you’re a WHORE” argument out of their pocket and slap it down like the ace of spades as an automatic I-win-every-argument.  Irony, motherfucker – look it up.

You could also title this one, “Reality?  I think I ate there once.  Right next to Denny’s, isn’t it?”

ETA:  And we have an update.  LOL.  Although it would probably be funnier if I knew what either of them were saying. 

The post that looks blank originally read:

I’ll say it for you.

BITCH.

For the win!

I’m thinking this didn’t turn out the way Wanker #1 pictured it.

Oh, honey, no.

April 9, 2010

The ad. 

The website.

Just… no.

Sweetie.  C’mere.  I’m sure you’re a lovely person, inside and out.  Kind to cats, bald men and your mother and all that.  I’m still laughing at you.  See now, the definition of upscale isn’t “I use the words ‘upscale’ and ‘classy’ a lot and charge more than BP girls”.

Upscale, classy ladies don’t have websites that look like some of the seedier strip clubs.  They can also spell, or at least hire webmasters who can.  Only e. e. cummings can get away with failing to capitalize, and no one can get away with random capitalization for apparent artistic purposes. 

Your website makes my brain hurt.  I’m baffled by your pricing structure, which seems based on whim rather than a solid business method.  I don’t really think you came up with those five-dollar words on your own, though I applaud your grasp of a thesaurus.

Don’t call yourself upscale unless you’ve got the brains to back it up.  Frankly, those with the brains generally don’t call themselves upscale either – they don’t have to.  You, sweet pea, strike me as a hot stripper who doesn’t really know what she’s doing.

I recommend a mentor and a new website, immediately and in that order.  And everyone is hereby forbidden to use that stupid center alignment without written permission from yours truly.

Apropros of two threads on Eccie, I’ve decided it’s time for you boys and I to have a little chat (if by “chat” you mean, “Mamasan will talk and you will listen” which, naturally, I do).  Let me tell you two stories of fictional hobbyists, whom I will call BigJohn and Daddy.  Repeat: fictional.  Names selected for my own private amusement.

BigJohn is at work, doing work-type things.  For whatever reason – a meeting rescheduled, a call that doesn’t go through, a boss in the momentary throes of generosity – BigJohn suddenly finds that he is getting off work early or otherwise having unexpected free time in the middl of his day.  Perfect!  thinks BigJohn.  A great opportunity for hobbying.  So BigJohn logs onto the boards and skims through the most recent ads.  One picture looks especially hot, so he skims further to find her phone number and calls it up.   

“Hello.”  Nice whiskey voice, he could get a little wood on the sound alone.  This is looking better by the moment.

“Hi, my name is BigJohn.  I found your number on Eccie.  What are you doing right now?”

An ominous pause.  The lady with the hot picture and nice voice is, regrettably, unavailable.  So BigJohn, undaunted, tries another.  And another.  And another.  Finally, an hour later and surrounded by the ruins of what could have been a great afternoon, he posts a thread asking how to make it easier to see providers.  I mean, BigJohn has references so this shouldn’t be so difficult, yes?   

Now lets move on to Daddy.  Daddy’s had his eye on a particular lady for two or three weeks now.  He’s read all the reviews, gone over her ads, asked around in the backchannels.  So far, he likes what he hears and he’s looking forward to what promises to be a great session.  Daddy’s doing some business downtown and, when it concludes, figures that he can probably sneak in an appointment with no one at work being the wiser.  It’s perfect, actually, as the reviews say her incall is just a mile away.   Daddy calls up the new prospect but, dammit all, she’s not available. 

Not to worry, there will be other days.  C’est la vie.

The next week Daddy is on his way to his weekly boys poker night, and realizes that this is the perfect cover.  Mrs Daddy doesn’t expect him back for hours, so why not give the lady a call?  He does that very thing, only now she’s booked for the night.  Curses, foiled again! 

It’s obvious to most of us where BigJohn and Daddy are going wrong.  To any BigJohns or Daddys reading here, welcome to the Primer, where Mamasan tells you the obvious. 

Our heroes, Big John and Daddy, made several glaring errors.  Most of them can be boiled down to Piss-Poor Planning, also known as “A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

Don’t call a lady and ask, “What are you doing right now?”  Mamasan has yet to figure out how to reach through the phone and smack a fellow upside the head (aren’t you fortunate), but if she does then it’ll probably be because this question drives her wild.  Right now?  Right now, she is probably up to her elbows in a sink full of soapy water and dirty dishes.  Right now, she is at the grocery store after running errands for three hours, is feeling quite frazzled already and has no makeup on.  Right now she is on the other line with her mother.  Right now she is getting ready for a hot date with a civilian, and is positively wallowing in the anticipation of a night where she can say anything she damned well pleases, and maybe even get some civilian sex. 

In short, right now she is having a goddamned life.  What she is almost certainly not doing right now is lounging around her incall, attired in something filmy and pink and barely-there, freshly showered, pefectly coiffed and with impeccable makeup, playing with a vibrator while sending hungry glances at her phone.  Just waiting for you to call.  Yes, it is entirely within the realm of possibility that this is precisely what she’s doing right now.  Possible – but not very f’ing likely.

But Mamasan, gents get last-minute appointments, we’ve heard about it in reviews.  Yes, and sometimes gents find 19 year old blondes with $100 hour and good service on BP.  Ask yourself if you’re looking for consistent hobbying or the luck of the draw.  If you want the latter, avast and good luck.  If the former, there are steps you need to take.  Otherwise, you’ll only keep running against that brick wall of Ladies Have Lives and start whiny, grumbling threads about how no one can accomodate you the moment you feel the urge.

And it all points straight to Good Planning.

Don’t waste time digging through ads – know who you want to see in advance.  Do your research in your off-time, when you have the leisure to ask around and read reviews.  Make up a short list of gals who sound like fun and have good word-of-mouth.     

Get pre-screened.  Send an email inquiry (see the Primer) to the gals on your short list and explain that you’d like to be screened in advance, just in case of last-minute appointments.  Now is the time to ask if they even offer last-minute plans.

Call ahead.  “Hi, SuzySexypants, I’ll be in the area later today and just in case some time opens up for me, how does your schedule look?  I can’t commit to an appointment just now, and my apologies for that, but if you’re still free later, would you mind if I gave you a call?  Say, around two o’clock?  Great!  I’ll let you know.”  Warning: some ladies will still be annoyed by this.  The rest of them, the ones with good business skills, will appreciate the heads-up and make sure to be ready to accomodate your possible free time.  Warning the Second: you had damned well better call one way or the other.  If she’s ready, just in case, at two o’clock and never hears from you, then she is going to be pissed off  and I don’t blame her a bit.  Cry wolf too often, O Timewasters, and see how many short-notice appointments you get.

Pre-book.  Learn to love pre-booking, for it is the surest way of getting an appointment.  Forgot that your weekly poker night would be a great cover story?  Pre-book for next week’s poker night, silly man.  Et voila!  Problem fucking solved.

Finally, develop a good relationship with at least one quality lady.  The kind of relationship where, if she isn’t available, she will tell you who IS available.  We know everything, guys.  We know who is traveling to our market.  We know which girl hasn’t paid her rent yet.  We know who is a night owl, who has no problem driving to the boonies, who doesn’t have to get a babysitter today.  We know who just got a boob job and who she is referring her clients to while she recovers.  We know who is new and fabulous (and sober) who needs a good review or two to really kick off her business, or who is the knock-out UTR schoolteacher-by-day who has a divorce to pay for.  You want good intel?  Gentlemen, for that you need to know a provider. 

If all this sounds like effort, that’s because it is.  It’ll also get you laid more often than dialing random numbers out of the blue in the hopes some woman doesn’t have a life.

Well, after several days of peaceful inanity we are back to reasonable threads descending to a stupidity stampede in five posts or less.  (You knew it was too good to last.)

OP posts a mild rant to say, “WALDT – STFU.”

You would think this is obvious and non-controversial, resulting only in a lot of “+1!” and LOLcat.  You would be wrong.

Correspondingly, MOST of us understand the concept of being grandfathered in. WE pay a provider a certain amount and really don’t care if she raises her rates….we continue to pay the same amount, year after year. Even if you don’t see a provider often, WE continue to make the same donation.

Yep, this is the same guy who tries to get $200 overnights.  I have it on firmest authority that his confidence here is based on internet theory and not on personal experience.  Someone should do him a big favor and let him know his reputation for being a cheap schmuck far outweighs and serves to negate any claims that, “Well, if she doesn’t like it then I won’t see her.”  You see, my fine fat friend, we don’t much care that you think your $150 is too good for us when we’re doing very well with the gents who pay us twice that.

But go ahead and think we cry ourselves to sleep at night for loss of your company.  Whatever gets you through the day, sweet cheeks.

No it is not just their money . It is our money next time you want to see the same girl, and she is thinking I deserve a tip based on my rates.

For the win!  Don’t tip – it’s like taking money from some other hobbyist.  Batshit just exploded his brain.

Let me see if I can follow this train of thought.  (Might be difficult, but I will try!) 

If one guy out of ten tips an extra bill, a provider will of course not think that either she did an exceptional job for this fellow or that this one guy is particularly generous.  No, she will assume the other nine were being cheap by not overpaying by a full bill.  And she will then cause problems for all the other hobbyists by demanding the extra money.

OR…

If nine guys out of ten tip a provider by a small amount, then she will take from that a notion that she is undercharging for her skills and appeal, and will subsequently raise her rates.

First scenario:  I am pretty damned sure this is not a common enough problem to justify your bitching at every guy who tips big.  Are you trying to say that if this had EVER happened, the provider in question would not immediately be thrown in the Alert section and get herself a ten page thread?  *snork*  Sure.  Some gents out there will be exceptionally nice to the ladies they see.  Put on your big-boy panties and deal with it.

Second scenario:  Not only likely, but economically accurate.  Aww, the new awesome girl is making money and now may or may not give it to you for quite so cheaply?  My heart bleeds for you, truly it does.  Your life is surely full of angst and woe.  There, there.  

Capitalism, gents!  It’s the breakfast of champions.